


Oxygen against Oizys

by Nyx_Fedra



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Force Bond (Star Wars), Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, I promise, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kylo Ren Redemption, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Recovery, Redemption takes a lot of work, Slow Burn, heavy angst with a happy ending, so does recovery and accepting our past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-05-30 04:09:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 26,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15088679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyx_Fedra/pseuds/Nyx_Fedra
Summary: It’s barely been ten hours since they escaped Crait and the First Order.The bond suddenly snaps open again.Oizys (Ὀϊζύς): Greek goddess of Misery, Anxiety, Grief, and Depression.





	1. Chapter 1

Rey was trying not to think, but it was almost impossible.

_So much_ had happened.

The Falcon wasn’t a big ship, but thirty people easily made it feel overcrowded. After a life of isolation in the vastness of the Jakku desert, and all that had happened, Rey had thanked Leia profusely when she had given the captain’s quarters to her, insisting that she preferred to sit in the cockpit with Chewie for the rest of their journey to some old Empire-era Rebellion base in the Outer Rim.

Rey still hadn’t told Leia about Ben, she couldn’t… she could not allow herself to think about him. She had tried to stay with the others for a couple of hours, catching up with Finn while he looked over Rose, getting to finally know Poe Dameron a little, Connix, the other thirty-something resistance members, but… she carved tranquillity, isolation, if only for a little.

Luke’s broken saber was still in her hands, she could not let go of it, her eyes kept going back to the broken kyber crystal, and she could almost feel the echo of its pain in the force. Luke’s saber had gone to her on Starkiller, Ben’s… _Kylo’s_ had, surprisingly, gone to her in Throne Room, and Ben… _Kylo_ , had used Luke’s saber as well. Yet when they had both called it on the Supremacy, the kyber had broken perfectly in two instead of choosing either of them.

There was meaning to that, she knew it.

The kyber was alive, she could sense it, it had a will of its own, a bond with its wielder’s soul, with _her_.

She ought to be sad about Luke, but she had known the man for little more than a couple of days, which she had spent being either frustrated at his grumpiness or angry at his decisions and lies…

_His lies_ , the horror in Ben’s eyes, the green of the saber amplifying the shadows of terror on his young face…

‘ _No_ ’ Rey murmured to herself.

He had made his choice. She could only wait now, he would come back, she knew it.

But she couldn’t think of it, if she did she would have to face her emotions. Her anger at Snoke when he lied about creating the bond, at the way she had seen him torturing Ben; her pain when he refused to follow her, when she understood that she couldn’t stay; her… whatever that was, that warm feeling that washed over her when after waking up she had found out that Ben was okay, uninjured. Her hands almost began to shake when she remembered how she had moved tentatively a hand through his hair, almost spellbound by how relaxed and _young_ he had looked while unconscious, without the usual burdens pushing down on his shoulders, creating shadows under his eyes.

It had been so difficult, getting up, leaving him. The saber had felt as hot as if it had been left for hours under the Jakku’s midday sun, the crystal crying in the force, almost pushing her to stay with him or bring him with her.

But it wasn’t her choice to make.

_It wasn’t._

She wasn’t disappointed but… she had thought, for a moment, that he would… that _they_ would be… _together._ She knew they had both walked out of the elevator into the Throne Room thinking that they would leave together, and that knowledge was only more painful now…

When that thought was complete into her mind, the cabin suddenly became too big, the Falcon too silent around her while they moved through hyperspace, the tears almost boiling while they marked her cheeks.

She couldn’t miss him. _She couldn’t._ She had made the right decision, _she_ had been the one to leave him behind, after all her nightmares about being left behind, after the truth about her parents.

She had been so strong, she was proud of herself. She couldn’t cry… or maybe only a little, maybe just one more minute while she was alone. Then she would go back to the Resistance: she had to talk to Leia, to her friends, tell them about the Supremacy, Ben’s conflict; she had to study the Jedi text, figure out a way to fix the saber…

But it had been barely a little more than ten hours since they escaped Crait, and maybe she could have this, a little cry over what had happened. It was okay, it was _fine._

She was going to be okay. She wasn’t alone, she had Finn, and Leia, and Chewie. Poe was friendly enough, Connix as well, and Rose had appeared great from Finn’s description.

It was okay, she wasn’t alone.

But Rey felt like she was.

Not even Leia could understand the storm inside her, the way she felt the force, the light and the dark. Only B…

_No._

_She wasn’t alone_ , Rey repeated to herself drying away the tears with the back of her hand.

She felt a shift in the force, and before she could fight it, the bond was open again only… Ben didn’t seem aware of it. She couldn’t see him, but she could feel what was going on inside him.

She could see his memories, and suddenly she was hit by them.

There was Ben as a little child, maybe three or four years old, clinging to the skirt of a very young Leia, tears in his eyes while the Falcon disappeared over the horizon.

_’He’ll be back, it’ll be alright’_ Leia said with a warm smile, kissing Ben on his forehead.

But she didn’t stay, she left Ben with a droid and left for the Senate with Threepio and Mon Mothma.

Then it was the darkness of Ben’s old bedroom on Chandrila, he was six, crying under the blankets, crying for Leia and Han, voice thick with fear and desperation and Rey could feel Snoke reaching for him, the dark side pulsing all around. Ben screamed at the top of his lungs, and it was a droid that barged in, its cold arms nothing like what Ben needed.

After that, everything moved faster. She saw Leia and Han screaming at one another, their backs always to Ben. One leaving for the Republic, the other leaving on the Falcon. She saw Ben hiding behind half closed doors, listening to Han and Leia whispering about him, about his outbursts of rage, his lack of control of the force, and then Han’s voice…

_’I’m afraid there might be too much of your father in him’_

She saw Leia smiling to a very sad fourteen-year-old Ben, Han’s uncertain good bye, and then they they _both_ left on the Falcon. Luke’s hand on Ben’s shoulder not at all reassuring.

Rey saw the academy, the one she had seen before on Takodana, in Luke’s memories. It was beautiful, but Ben’s memory of it was bitter. He walked and trained alone, and no matter how much he pushed himself to be better, to follow Luke’s teachings as closely as he could, his uncle always looked displeased, regarding him almost with suspicion. The other students felt it, they were also afraid of how strong he was with the force. Most could barely lift a straw of grass while he had already built a lightsaber, and he practiced his forms feeling the force deep inside him, moving in him like blood. Then Leia and Luke’s relation to Vader was exposed to the galaxy, and Ben spent an entire day hiding in his hut, panicking at how strong the pull to the darkness was becoming, those whispers - _Snoke_ \- so alluring. But Luke was nowhere to be found, and Ben was alone, once again, _rejected_ , while he could feel the hate of the other students against him in the force.

With deep sadness Rey rewatched the events of that dreadful night. For twenty-three long years Ben had been _so_ strong, resisting the darkness despite Snoke’s constant torture, his family misunderstanding his conflict. Luke undid it all in less then a minute.

In fear and rage, Ben finally gave in to Snoke, hoping that he, at leats, wouldn’t leave him like everyone always had. But the pain only grew, and it became physical, not only mental. His new name, his mask, a shield against the light he still felt strongly.

Snoke’s training was brutal. The Knights of Ren, supposedly loyal to him, were revealed as being nothing if not heavily manipulated by Snoke. No one would have followed him willingly, and Rey could only watch with anguish the loneliness and pain of Ben’s life in the First Order, the lie he constantly told himself when getting out of bed felt like an impossible task, the fear of Snoke catching a hint of weakness and punishing him, the sick tricks he played on Ben’s mind.

She was surprised when she suddenly found herself in the memory of her interrogation on Starkiller, and somehow she knew that was when the bond had been… not created, no, just fully opened.

The pain, when the saber cut through Han was so deep… and for a brief moment Rey was able to regain control of her senses, wondering if what she had felt then watching from above with Finn had truly been her feelings. What if they had been Ben’s?

She couldn’t linger on it. That memory vanished as well, it was swirl of pain and exhaustion, and then she was in the hut on Ahch-To.

_’You’re not alone’_

_’Neither are you’_

She smiled a little that. It was still true, it was but… she was pulled back from his memories almost painfully, and while she still couldn’t see him, she could feel his pain while he paced around his room, crying, shaking.

_Liar, liar, liar, liar…_

He was thinking of her, of waking up alone in the Throne Room to Hux’s poor assassination attempt.

_You left just like everyone else, I let you saw_ me _and you left. Just like the others._

He suddenly sat down, taking his head in his own hands, baffled at the silence in his mind, at the absence of Snoke’s pull after a lifetime of subtitle torture and manipulation.

Ben was lost, scared, in pain, the force moving erratically around him and inside him, a constant clash of dark and light that left him exhausted and breathless.

It was worse than anything he had ever experience. There wasn’t Luke looking disappointed, lecturing him on the light, there wasn’t Snoke whispering to him about the dark... this time, he was utterly alone.

_Alone, alone, alone and scared and scarred and broken. He was never enough for anyone, for his own parents, for Luke, for Snoke, a helpless cause, so broken he could never be fixed, alone, again, always alone, alone_ … and he wanted to _die._

The pieces of the broken saber fell from her hands when she felt _that_.

Rey had never felt anything like it: everything suddenly lost meaning while Ben held on to his lightsaber, trying to stop his loud sobbing, the cracked kyber crystal screaming in unison with him in the force.

She closed her eyes and tried to reach out to him.

_Come back to me._

They were almost an entire galaxy apart, she could feel it, yet they were so close.

_Ben._

The bond snapped closed, almost painfully, and Rey didn’t know if he had heard her.

In the silence of the cabin, Rey felt as if she couldn’t breath.

_What if she lost him?_

Ben had to make his choice on his own but after everything… could he really do it on his own like that? Could he even recognise what was good for him and what wasn’t after years of Snoke telling him that hurting himself was _good_? He clearly didn’t know… he couldn’t conceive of someone loving him, ever, even though Rey hadn’t been lying on Ahch-To. She had left on the Falcon like everyone else in his life.

She stumbled when she tried to stand up from the bunk, panicking, suddenly deciding to talk to Leia, tell her everything, ask her what to do, how to…

_Rey._

It was a moment, and she could breathe again.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if the bond had been silent, she knew he felt the same. She just _knew_ , and that was the problem. If she had become reckless, Ben had been self destructive, falling in a depression so deep that even his outburst of rage were now rare - once, she used to feel his spikes of rage in the dark side of the force.

The new base was old, and in dire need of maintenance.

Rey had been the only one who didn’t complained about it. It gave her something to do, kept her mind occupied. She was becoming… impulsive, stupidly so, without Ben. For a brief moment, she had felt what they could be, in the Throne Room, what they were, the _balance_ in the force. Now that they were apart she was too highly aware of how unbalanced she was, how unbalanced the force was in the universe.

There was a crack, somewhere, in the force, she felt it, she was drawn to it, to fix it and bring back the balance. But the balance was her, and Ben, and she _couldn’t._

The bond had been silent for four months and six days, and somewhere in the back of her mind, Rey had to admit to her herself that it was becoming almost physically painful, being away from him.

A day after arriving in the new base, the bond had opened again, they had been able to see each other, albeit briefly. They hadn’t spoken a word, their eyes locked, and she had been the one extending a hand to him this time.

He had been the one to close the bond.

_Why would he want to go back to a mother who had cared for a cause more than she had cared for him? To someone who had clearly seen how broken he was and decided to wash her hands of him?_ That was the last thought she heard, followed by the echo of him hurting himself: _such a pathetic, needy, sentimental boy, who felt too much too deeply…_

With her arm stretched towards nothing in the middle of the still crowded hangar, she had been forced into giving some explanations.

It did not went well.

Rey had thought they would understand, but besides Leia, no one believed Ben could be conflicted, no one believed he could have been abused. He was only the image he had so carefully painted with his mask, the mad war dog Snoke had forced him to become by manipulating him. Even Finn, whom she had thought would always be a friend, had attacked her in anger for having feelings for Kylo Ren. His had been the most painful rejection.

They called her the last Jedi, and that was perhaps the only reason they hadn’t kicked her out of the Resistance. But she wasn’t a Jedi. She had rejected Luke’s teaching, his too clear cut view of light and darkness had doomed Ben to decades of silent pain, to the creation of Kylo Ren. She had given up most of the Jedi texts as well, the force itself seemed to disagree with how the old Jedi order had thought balance meant only light, the absence of feelings. Such foolishness.

The only text she could bear to read was the oldest one, and it was mostly on the relation between kyber crystals, the force, and force wielders. It talked of balance, sometimes, and she understood that.

In the five months that followed her revelations about her connection with Ben, she had been isolated. Finn still barely talked to her, Rose as well, and she suspected that Poe and Connix sat with her sometimes only because Leia ordered them to do so.

Leia was the only one who understood, but only partially. She was blinded by personal guilt, regret, loss, and the weight of leading once again the Resistance, age slowly catching up on her. It was only because of the General that Rey had not been grounded, and she had been able to go on some shot supply missions after assuring everyone that the connection had been closed for long, that they could never see each other’s surroundings, that she would never tell him where they were… She had scoffed at that question, there was so much she wanted to tell Ben, and the location of the Resistance base was not it.

Of the six missions she had been a part of, five had led to clashes with stormtroopers, five times she had acted recklessly to protect the rest of her team, getting injured. The new scars on her body meant little to her, what mattered was how unbalanced she felt without a lightsaber, when she had to leave the broken crystal behind on base, how often she regretted not staying with him, taking him with her… how much she missed him.

Even if the bond had been silent, she knew he felt the same. She just _knew_ , and that was the problem. If she had become reckless, Ben had been self destructive, falling in a depression so deep that even his outburst of rage were now rare - once, she used to feel his spikes of rage in the dark side of the force.

She worried about him.

More than once Leia had caught her in the hangar, in the deep of the night, one foot on the Falcon’s ramp and the other on the tarmac, her backpack on her shoulders, almost ready to leave.

She never did, Leia never said a word about it. Ben had to come to a decision on his own, but it didn’t mean… it didn’t mean they had to be alone again.

So Rey spent her days fixing things, her nights studying the Jedi texts and looking for a way to fix a crystal as broken as her soul, and the early hours of the morning meditating, tuning her whole body and soul with the force - the light and the dark - hoping that Ben could feel her, that he would know that when he was ready, she was going to be there.

Then one day, while she was fixing the Falcon, a weird feeling of relief reverberated in the force: acceptance, yet impending doom. The bond was finally open again, but Rey could scarcely take a breath before she saw the state Ben was in.

He was pale, with heavy bags under his eyes, almost thinner than she remembered, as if he hadn’t eaten in the months they hadn’t seen each other. What worried her the most was his look, his empty gaze, and that _weird_ relief that came from deep inside him, from the burning rubble of what was his soul. He was still in pain, he still felt utterly alone, unlovable, broken, a helpless cause… and what hurt Rey the most was that he felt that even when he turned to look at her, even when he could feel how she cared about him.

He was on a beautiful planet. She could, for the first time, see part of his surroundings: the green grass and the threes full of colourful fruits and flowers.

Something was wrong. Something was _very_ wrong.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked, incapable to stay silent any longer.

He looked startled by her words, by how her voice wavered slightly with concern. He had expected her to ignore him, or to scream at him.

‘I can’t hurt you’ he said simply, moving a step closer.

‘I know’ she moved a step closer as well. ‘I can’t either’

She had missed him so much. She had so much to tell him, to ask him. They had so much to discuss… then, why did it feel like the end?

He looked up, and she did as well. The plain grey concrete of the roof of the base disappeared to leave space for a patch of clear blue sky, five star destroyers moving slowly above him.

‘Where are you?’

‘It seems fitting, for it to end where it started’

‘The war?’ she asked confused. Was he planning to attack them? The planet they were on looked nothing like where he was.

‘No’ Ben answered kindly.

He smiled at her, a little, sad, beautiful smile.

She panicked.

‘You can still come, I am here’

‘I can’t’

‘Yes you can, you just have to… come’ she insisted.

‘You don’t really want me to come back, no one really does. And I can’t. But I can’t hurt you, even if you…’ _left_ , was what he left unspoken, but Rey heard it anyway through the bond ‘I think… this will be fine. It will be… okay. I always failed at everything, the light, the dark. But I think I can do this’

Rey furrowed her brow, trying to understand what he was saying.

The bond was wavering, almost ready to snap close, and she could hear voices around her.

‘Ben’ she called him when he tried to move away from her.

She moved rapidly, and her hand was on his forearm, stopping him. Once again, touching him felt like touching a live wire, but there was no vision this time. The force calmed a little, but it was still moving restlessly around them, the voices around her becoming louder.

Ben looked over her shoulder, pain and resignation in his eyes.

‘They can see me now’ he said, looking at where she was holding him tightly.

‘Join me’

‘I can’t’

‘Then tell me what did you do’ she said louder, her grip on him so strong she had probably left a mark.

‘I…’ he started, he closed his eyes and gulped. Leia was watching them, they could both feel her in the force, Ben’s emotion a mess she couldn’t even begin to comprehend in that moment.

‘Hux is… power hungry. I never wanted to… rule’

‘I know’

‘I have sent… you should have received it by now’

‘What is it, come on!’ she tried to spur him on, fear growing in her.

‘All the informations I could get from the First Orders archives’

‘Okay, okay… that’s good, that’s good, Ben. Where are you?’ she said mumbling fast, her hands cupping his face, their eyes locked.

His own hands came finally, _finally_ , to rest over hers, warm, and solid.

‘Naboo’ he said, and someone gasped.

‘Okay, I’m coming… okay? Ben?’

But he was silent, he just looked at her, studying every detail of her face with a gaze full of longing, and pain, and a sadness so deep it pushed her shoulders down.

‘Ben?’

‘It’s okay. It was always meant to end this way’

He gave her that small, sad smile again, then he kissed her forehead lightly, the force spiking almost painfully around them.

Far above him, one of the star destroyers fired on the planet.

Rey screamed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was excruciating, the pain. All jagged edges that could never heal properly. _Never._

Rey didn’t remember much. She didn’t know how she got on the ship, or how she fell on the floor before that, or for how long she had cried and screamed in the hangar.

Everything stopped when Ben’s surroundings were engulfed by a wave of fire, when he disappeared under her hands, leaving her painfully empty, the force screaming in her soul and mind.

It was excruciating, the pain, as if someone had cut right through her soul with a rusty vibroblade. All jagged edges that could never heal properly. _Never._

She knew someone was flying fast through hyperspace, and then she was walking on scorched earth looking for… _something._ But there was nothing.   
There was never going to be more than his lips briefly brushing her forehead, his hands so steady and warm, and safe, on hers. Nothing more than the brief moment of balance on the Supremacy, and all the other stolen moments on Ahch-To. She was alone, the force crying with her, and it was worse than anything she had ever felt.

She didn’t remember going back on the Falcon, back to the base. It was a moment and then she was in her cot, crying silently, clenching the broken pieces of the saber to her chest, the only material thing she had left that had been theirs, in a way, his and then hers.

Leia came in from time to time, destroyed by grief as much as she was they just sat in silence together, sharing their pain. Most of the time, she was alone, she wanted to be. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, Rey knew the Resistance was moving fast against the First Order, the information sent by Ben crucial, but she couldn’t find it in her to care.

What was the point of it all? To fight and love and risk it all only to lose him, the only one who had truly understood her? She could have just stayed on Jakku, blessed in ignorance under the unforgiving sun. Instead she would have had to live the rest of her life with an open wound tearing her soul apart. Rey could see it: she could see herself getting out of bed, fighting, smiling at her friends, but something would always be missing, the pain never really gone. Everything became meaningless, even Luke’s sacrifice, Han’s, because once again they failed to help Ben like they had failed to protect him as a child.

Sometimes, when the pain was too strong, when even breathing was too hard, Rey closed her eyes and dreamed. She dreamed of her vision on Ahch-To, of how their future could have been, of Ben being by her side, his saber a steady pulse of white instead of red, just like hers. Other times she just dreamed of what she never had, of him laying in bed next to her, a little smile just for her, not tainted by sadness; some nights she curled up against the wall on her cot, in a cocoon of blankets, imagining Ben holding her. A part of her thought it pathetic, but she couldn’t help herself.

‘You should eat’ Finn said one day.

He had a bruise under his left eye and Rey felt guilty, he had been out on missions and she had remained stuck in her grief. She supposed it was the moment when she started to ‘function’ again, but the pain… it would never heal.

She wasn’t hungry, but to humour him she ate anyway. Rey got out of bed and showered, went to some meetings with the council and pretended to listen to what they said about the war, fixed things on base, with little attention she followed Poe and Finn’s stories when she sat down in the mass hall with them.

‘Are you going to fix the lightsaber?’ Rose asked one day, a hand around her necklace, as always.

Almost a month without Ben.

She had dreamed of him again that night: they were sharing a proper bed, on a peaceful planet somewhere far away, and they were whispering sweet nonsense to each other under the blankets, exchanging smiles and warm kisses. Those dreams were the worst, because when she woke up, the reality of things hurt even more. She was never going to see Ben again, she was never going to have any of that.

In light of that thought she had partially accepted the old Jedi ways, to just travel the galaxy in search of force users, teach them balance until she would be allowed to join Ben in the force.

‘No’ Rey answered moving pieces of mash around her plate with her fork.

‘Why not?’ wondered Finn, but before she could answer, he was already briefly telling Rose of when he used the lightsaber on Takodana, on Starkiller against…

‘You can never understand’ she said steading up, with more bite than she intended, but she couldn’t stand when they talked about him like _that,_ even after he had literally died for them.

She had looked for a family since she was a child, and the Resistance was something, but not quite it. Ben was always a missing piece, and she had had to give him up for them and they, _they_ , still talked about him as if he was a soulless monster. She couldn’t take it, especially not when the vision about what they could have been plagued her relentlessly.

Rey left the mass hall quickly and ran to the hangar, to the Falcon. Ben had hated and loved that ship, and sometimes she liked to think that she could still feel pieces of him in there, echoes of the past. On the bed in the captain’s quarters she stared at the ceiling, sighting, trying to move through the restless waves of the force, seeking some comfort.

She wondered in fantasy, again. What would have happened if she had accepted his offer on the Supremacy, if while he was still unconscious she had dragged him away with her… surely, he would be alive, and they would be together, somehow.

Instead he was dead, burned away by Hux’s rage and his own hate of himself. He had died alone, thinking of being irredeemable and unlovable, and that hurt more than being hit by blaster fire. It hunted her, the way he had become inconsistent under her own hands, the way she had seen him engulfed by the flames before the bond closed one last time, forever broken at one end.

Trying to fight the tears, Rey hid her face in the pillow, holding it tightly. Everything hurt, every single part of her body and mind. Even breathing was hard.

A shaky breath, a painful one.

It took Rey a moment to realise it wasn’t _hers._

She kept her eyes closed, afraid of it begin just another dream.

‘Ben?’

No answer came, and she cried again, harder, but she also heard that shaky breath again.

_Rey._

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She expected to have to fight for this, but Poe moved forward surprising everyone, talking before anyone else could.

 

 

Slowly, Rey opened her eyes to look around.

She had to blink away the tears a couple of times, but finally her eyes could focus on the figure curled up in the corner of the room. Abruptly, she pushed herself up from the bed to run to him.

Everything hurt because _he was hurt_ , everywhere, the brown matching pair of shirt and trousers he was wearing splattered in blood. He was so, so pale where his skin was not covered in blue and green bruises; then there were the patches of raw, irritated red skin on his wrists and ankles, where the shackles were too tight. His hair was very short, as if it was slowly growing again after having been completely shaven off.

‘Ben’ she exclaimed.

He could do little more than slowly turn towards her, his eyes only barely open. She reached for him, holding him in her arms, trying to assure herself that he was really there, that she hadn’t gone crazy… was this why she hadn’t felt him? Because he had been barely holding on to life? Was his, the pain she had felt in the past month? How did he survived? She had walked over the destruction left by the star destroyer’s blast, how had he escaped in time? What mattered to Rey in that moment was that he was there, and she needed to find out where he was exactly, so that she could bring him back.

Under her fingers, his form was solid, but he was so weak she could feel him slip away.

‘Ben, Ben, Ben’ she chanted, holding him to her chest, kissing his forehead, basking in the relief and happiness of having him back just a moment longer.

‘Where are you? I need you to tell me where you are’ she pleaded.

He was barely conscious, she could hear him mutter her name in his mind, and she understood that he was in no condition to answer her. Rey forced herself in his head through the bond, ignoring his discomfort for the sake of finding out where he was.

She felt his resolution on Naboo, how ready he had been to die, the only way he could see fit to atone for what he had done. Rey flinched when she felt how he _had_ been hit partially by the wave of flames, but someone had taken him away, thrown him in a bacta tank to heal only to then move him into a cell to torture him. He was feverish, exhausted, in great physical pain, and Rey had to push through the fog of his mind until she finally saw it: Hux deciding at the last minute not to let him die precisely because Ben wanted to, his punishment to live as long as he could under torture.

He was on Hux’s flagship.

When she left his mind, Ben fell bonelessly on her, but she felt very little of his weight, a sign of the bond wavering near closure. Afraid to upset their precarious state, Rey reached for Leia through the force, knowing that the General would have heard her.

Uncaring about the growing movement around the Falcon, Rey took those few precious minutes she had alone with him to gently caress Ben’s face, to hold him closer to her, hoping that he could feel her.

‘Rey?’

When she raised her head, almost half of the Resistance seemed to be standing at the door of the captain’s quarters, Leia at the front, looking shocked.

‘He’s on Hux’s flagship! I need to go and get him before it’s too late!’

She expected to have to fight for this, but Poe moved forward surprising everyone, talking before anyone else could.

‘No, your connection is too strong, and he’s too wounded for you not feel it as well. I’ll go and get him’

‘Rose and I have infiltrated the First Order before, we’ll come with you’ Finn added moving forward as well.

Surprised at the fact that she was crying, Rey nodded.

‘Thank you’

They began talking in earnest, but all Rey could do was hold on to Ben, her forehead pressed to his, whilst with her eyes closed she tried to give him strength in the force.

_We’ll be together soon_ , she murmured in his mind.

_Rey_ , was all he kept saying.

Leia kept watch over them, and after what felt like a barely a minute in the force, she saw Poe, Rose and Finn through Ben’s foggy eyes.

_C’mon big guy, time to go_ , Poe said picking him up with Finn’s help, and Rey had to let him go.

‘They found him’ she said through tears, her first true smile after what felt like centuries.

Leia smiled at her as well.

‘Come on, you’ve been like that for hours. You need to move, we can check together that the doctors are ready for him’ the woman said helping her to get up, and Rey saw the light back in her eyes.

Leia walked the Resistance base as if she had suddenly found herself at least ten years younger, and Rey understood, because she followed her with the same energy. By the time they landed, Rey could scarcely control her emotions: her hands were shaking at the mere thought that she was going to touch him again, that he was going to be _there_ , with her.

She rushed on the ship as soon as the ramp was lowered alongside the two doctors, and hovered close to them while they moved him carefully on a stretcher.

‘Thank you so much’ she said hugging Poe and Rose, but especially Finn.

‘I mean, we gave Hux some big troubles since we were there, so, it’s fine…’ Poe said while shrugging his shoulders.

‘Yeah, it’s okay’ Finn added with a small smile, to which she answered with a smile of her own that made her friends smile even more.

‘Go with him’ Rose pushed her, understanding.

In the Med bay, she watched from afar while Ben was moved in and out of bacta tanks for days in order to heal a list of wounds so long she had flinched when the doctor showed it to her on his datapad, too long to tell by voice.

A part of her knew that she should have been more active, concentrating on other things, on the flocks on the new faces that everyday seemed to join the Resistance, on the various missions that Poe was leading, on Finn’s plan to push the stormtroopers to revolt, but she couldn’t.

The force seemed to agree with her. Once Ben opened his eyes again, then the war would would begin to draw to its natural conclusion. She could already feel it, the underlying whisper of balance under the restless clash of light and dark, she just had to follow it, but she couldn’t do it alone. She and Ben, they balanced each other, they kept themselves from falling into extremes.

In their rescue, Rose had found Ben’s broken saber and brought it to her. It was less damaged than Anakin’s, but the kyber crystal inside was almost opaque, cracked, as close to death as Ben had been. They could fix their sabers, and then they would fight, like in the Throne Room, back to back, Rey was sure of it.

When he was finally let out of the last bacta treatment and given a bed in a small room, Rey sat beside him, holding his hand in hers. A part of her wanted for him to rest, so he could regain his strength, but she also couldn’t wait for him to wake up, to talk to her again, to see his eyes again.

Leia came in several times a day, and when she did, Rey left the room so that she could be with a son she had believed lost for almost a decade. Rey used the time to take care of herself, to catch up with her friends, to see what was happening in the Resistance, and making sure that everyone was ready for when Ben woke up, because she was _not_ going to allow anyone to comment about his place there, not after he had stolen enough intel to bring half of the First Order down and almost died in the process.

‘I mean, there are a lot of defectors from the First Order with us now, so I made sure to remind them that he sort of is one as well’ Finn said to her one day, making her smile.

Their friendship was back on track, Ben was with her, and even though the war was still raging, Rey had never felt more hopeful.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘He’s all grown up, but he’s still my little starfighter. He still has those big warm eyes’ Leia had told her one afternoon in the empty war room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes more angst

After two weeks, Ben woke up.

She had fallen asleep in the chair next to his bed, and when she opened her eyes, she found him staring at her. Rey had imagined this moment so many times in the previous weeks, she had thought she would stand up immediately to hug him, hold his hand, or… something… but she had never thought that his confused gaze would pin her in the chair she was in.

His hair was still very short, and while he didn’t look less handsome to her, his big ears still were a bit of a distraction.

‘I’m alive’ he said with a cracked voice.

‘Yes’ was all she could say, finally standing up and taking his hand in hers.

Ben looked entranced by the way she intertwined their fingers; she had done it so many times while he was asleep, little caresses on his face to sooth the lines created by some sudden wave of pain, up and down his arms to warm him when he felt too cold…

‘You’re not happy about it’ Rey added with sadness, sensing him through the bond.

Ben looked away, eyes suddenly empty, and Rey didn’t know what to do. She finally had him back, she couldn’t lose him like that, so she changed the subject. He had just woken up, such heavy topics could wait.

‘You’re so soft’ she murmured tracing pattern with her fingers on his wrist, up on his forearm. He looked back at her, shivering slightly under her touch. ‘My skin is so different, hard, rougher, too many years in the sand I guess’ she added, because she could joke about that, at least a little.

‘Rey’

She looked up, his warm gaze burning her skin in a pleasant manner, like the sun at sunrise on Jakku, warming her after the cold of the night. There was something he wanted to say, but either he was still too confused by the medications or, like her, he didn’t know even where to begin when it came to talk about whatever there was between them. Those _feelings._

‘Can I… just…?’ she asked unsure even on how to phrase something like that.

Never in her life she had liked people orbiting too close to her comfort zone, it was still difficult at times with Finn and Rose, even though they had learned to always make clear that they were about to hug her or touch her after they saw her discomfort with their ‘surprise’ hugs. Yet, she wanted to be close to Ben. Maybe it was because of how their minds were joined, but it was also something else too.

As always, through the bond, he understood. Ben nodded and then, like in the dreams she had had when she thought him dead, he was holding her as tightly as his weak state allowed him to. Rey felt safe, his arms around her, his heart beating under her ear.

She was so comfortable she didn’t remember falling asleep, and she woke up slowly to Ben still holding her while he murmured something.

Someone sighted, not far away. Rey knew that sight.

‘Alright’ Leia murmured, she moved closer to the bed and then silently slipped out of the room.

‘You’re awake’ he said. His voice was stronger now, and Rey opened her eyes but didn’t move, still resting her head on his chest.

‘Yes’

Ben hummed in agreement, and his hand began to move lightly through her hair. Rey couldn’t stop the sight that escaped her lips, relaxing even further into his arms.

‘Why aren’t you happy that you survived?’ she finally asked, because she had to. Whilst her body was relaxed, in her mind she could sense Ben’s distress, his extreme sadness and unhappiness.

‘There’s no point in me being alive’ he answered after a moment.

Ben didn’t speak after that. Even though he seemed okay with Rey snuggling in his arms, he said nothing more, not even through the bond.

The next day, he stopped talking to the medics, to the droids, to everyone. Ben wasn’t completely unresponsive: he lingered into her touch every time she reached for him, he listened to her, to Leia, to everyone who spoke to him, but he remained silent. Rey had tried screaming at him, once, and obtained no reaction whatsoever, only that empty stare that made her angry. After agreeing with Leia that at least it was good that he wasn’t refusing his food, Rey had left his side more often to take a more active part in the efforts of the Resistance.

Hux was in control of the First Order, and he was faltering. The news that Hux himself had spread through the galaxy, that Kylo Ren was dead, had come back to bite him when Leia had made a similar announcement about the return of Ben Solo, once Luke’s very own padwan. Rey knew well that Ben wouldn’t have like that one bit but, since he wasn’t speaking and he was still recovering, she just went along with it. It would also make it easier for him in Resistance once he was out of the Med bay if everyone knew him primarily as Ben Solo, the wayward son who had finally come back. Those who connected the dots between him and Kylo Ren were very few, he had worn that stupid mask for a long time, and both Rey and Leia were now secretly grateful that he did.

‘He’s all grown up, but he’s still my little starfighter. He still has those big warm eyes’ Leia had told her one afternoon in the empty war room.

They had just spent close to five hours planning an attack on a stormtrooper training facility, which would be led by Finn with her help.

‘Little starfighter?’ she asked with a smile, gracefully ignoring the tears that escaped from Leia.

‘You know the dices on the Falcon? He used to steal them every time Han was back on world, running around and telling everyone that he was going to be a pilot just like his dad, as good at cards as uncle Wanwo, and as strong as Chewie’

Rey laughed at that, she could almost picture it, even despite the sadness that had taken Ben’s voice, a younger version of him, being happy. Yet she knew better, she had felt Snoke reaching for him, the nightmares and fears that had plagued his life since before he was born.

‘What about Luke?’ she asked, noticing his absence in Leia’s story.

The woman made an expression Rey had come to know very well in the month since Ben came back, a mix of sadness, remorse and guilt that reverberated clearly in the force around them.

‘Luke… after the end of the war he decided to look for the first Jedi temple, or anything that had to do with the old Jedi order. He was always around the galaxy doing something. If it wasn’t for the fact that we could feel each other in force, we wouldn’t have heard from him for years at times. He picked up some students, and eventually decided to open the academy when they became too many. He sensed Snoke, and the power in Ben but… I wanted him to have a normal childhood, not throw him immediately into the teachings of the force, the Jedi. Those rules were so _demanding_ , I wanted him to be able to make his own choices, and Luke never pushed. In retrospect, I probably should have tried to have them spend time together before. Ben became always more isolated, the force stronger in him but his control of it was poor and I… sent him away.’

‘Luke’s understanding of the force was too influenced by the old Jedi order, what happened was not your fault. And Snoke’s reach, his pull… was so strong’

‘He told you this?’ Leia asked surprised.

Rey bit her lips, not knowing how to explain it exactly.

‘Uhm, through the bond, sometimes I can see his memories, what he felt in the past, not only in the present’

‘Oh’ was all Leia said looking at her hands, remaining silent.

Rey was about to leave the room, the silence a bit uncomfortable, when the woman spoke again.

‘What did… if you can tell me, what did you saw, before Luke?’

There was no way in which she could say this and not hurt Leia, so Rey just opted for the truth.

‘I saw you and Han leaving, or screaming at each other, or when you whispered about one of his ‘accidents’. Snoke was always trying to reach him, I saw some of his nightmares, the droids you left him with.’

‘Thank you’ Leia said, new tears rolling down her cheeks.

Even if Leia had asked her, Rey couldn’t avoid the guilt for making a woman that was almost like a mother to her cry. When she left the war room, she made straight for the Med bay, for Ben’s room. His hair was getting longer, and it almost reached his ears, another two weeks of treatments and then he would be released. Rey couldn’t wait, she wanted to show him the Jedi text, to train and meditate together, to fix their lightsabers… but when she entered his room that afternoon, all she could think about was that she had made Leia Organa cry.

Ben was reading on his datapad when she entered - he was always reading - but he left it on his bedside table when he sensed her guilt.

‘I made your mother cry’ she said, letting him see through the bond was she had done.

Slowly, and without saying a word, Ben moved making space for her, and Rey climbed on the bed, snuggling into his arms.

‘I’m glad you’re here with me. I knew it wasn’t too late, I knew you would come back’ she murmured.

Ben held her more tightly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'I’m a lost cause. I can’t do anything right, not even dying’

They discovered that Finn was a very good orator.

Such a good orator, in fact, that he had convinced more than half of the stormtroopers in the facility they had attacked to revolt and join the Resistance. With minimal casualties, the mission was a success, and they were able to come back on base a day earlier than scheduled. Instead of a six-days mission, it had been a five-days one.

‘So… dark side boy doesn’t speak, uh?’ said Finn while they travelled in hyperspace back to the base, walking next to each other in one of the corridors of the Falcon.

Finn and Poe had begun to call Ben all sorts of names, but she didn’t care, there wasn’t as much hate as there use to be in their voices. They were slowly accepting him, and that was enough for her.

‘Yeah. Three weeks now’

‘Ah’

‘He tried to kill himself, Finn. I’m not going to pretend he’s okay’

‘Right… ‘

‘it’s okay. I don’t expect any of you to understand’ she said sensing his discomfort with the argument ‘the force is not easy… it’s _demanding_ , sometimes it’s a constant struggle that threatens to take away who truly you are if you get too lost in it, in the dark or the light. He’s been through a lot, it takes time. Besides, it’s the first time in his life he doesn’t have Snoke whispering into his mind’

’That is… creepy, right? I see how that’s a big change’

‘Yes’ she agreed with a smile when Finn jokingly bumped into her.

‘Can’t wait to see you two with the lightsabers and all, that would definitely make everyone surrender immediately!’

‘I don’t know, you seem to have that figure it out. I don’t think you need us!’

Finn laughed at that, and the atmosphere on the Falcon remained light for the rest on the journey, but not much longer. Leia was waiting for them on the tarmac when they landed, for once not hiding the worry in her eyes.

‘He left the medbay this morning, took his lightsaber apart, then disappeared outside with only what he was wearing and the kyber crystal. I can’t feel him in the force’ Leia said, her eyes lost behind the open doors of the hangar, over the thick forest that determined the perimeter of the base.

‘I can still feel him. I’ll find him’ Rey answered, trying to remain calm, to concentrate on the bond in order to find Ben. She was the only one, with Leia, who feared he might harm himself, but she couldn’t allow herself to think about it, or worry and fear would have prevented her from finding him.

‘Is he trying to escape?’ Rose asked, seemingly appearing out of nowhere, startling Rey.

‘No, no. He took the crystal, it was cracked, maybe… maybe he wanted to repair it and needed to meditate’ she answered, trying to reassure herself more than the others.

Rey closed her eyes, concentrating on the bond, that invisible thread that linked her and Ben in the force; it was not a matter of finding it, of finding _him_ , and pulling, no. She just had to find it, feel it, and let herself go with its flow, with the unwavering certainty that the force would have led her to Ben, as it always had.

She didn’t know when she started walking, but when once again she became aware of her surroundings, she was deep into the forest. It wasn’t like on Takodana, it was darker, less welcoming, and the closer she got to Ben the more she felt his struggle with the dark.

Rey finally found him sitting under a three, turning the opaque crystal distractingly in his hands.

'Just give up. You can’t fix me like one of your ships. It’s not worth it’.

It was the first time he spoke in weeks, it was little more than a murmur, but his deep voice washed over her in a warm wave.

'You’re worth it to me’

There’s was no doubt in her about it, and she was surprised by it as much as he was. Ben never broke eye contact with her while she sat down in front of him, a small smile on her face while she reached for his right hand, where he was moving the crystal restlessly between his fingers. His hand was warm, but Rey could relish in that only briefly before Ben retracted it as if burned by her touch.

‘I’m a lost cause. I can’t do anything right, not even dying’

‘You’re always so dramatic’ she answered with a smile, trying to cheer him up a bit. The dark side was thick around him, but it moved slowly, there was light to keep it at bay.

‘You don’t understand’

‘Then tell me’

‘I thought it was Snoke, but now he’s gone and… I’m just broken. I can’t be like Dameron or the stormtrooper, I can barely remember what it is like, to feel happy, or something like that, I only know how to feel miserable. I’m just useless, and broken, just like my crystal, and it’s all my fault. I cracked the crystal after Luke… never mind’

He bit his lips, looking away from her, and she could sense how he just wanted to disappear. It was a weird feeling for her to experience through Ben, she had wished to be alone many times in the crowded spaces of the Resistance, but never to _disappear_. It was followed up by another batch of feelings coming from him: he already felt half dead, a ghost, alone.

‘You’re not alone, Ben. I’m here, your mother is here, and she _loves_ you’ she moved forward and laced her arms around him. During his days in the medbay, he had been the one to hold her, despite everything, and now it was her turn to hold him.

Ben hid his face in the crook of her neck, some silent tears falling on his cheeks, while she move a hand in his soft hair, keeping him close.

‘There is no forgiveness for the things I have done, for staying so long with the First Order’ he whispered, his voice shaking.

‘There is. Forgiveness is not about forgetting the past. It’s about accepting it, accepting that we can’t change it. How we move forward from that is what determines who we are. You left, you’re here, and we can take them down. I won’t ask you again to fight with us, but if you want I’ll be here. Even if you decide that you’ve had enough, I’ll be here as well’ Rey said forcing him to look at her.

With their faces mere centimetres apart, she couldn’t help getting lost in his eyes. He was still beautiful to her, even with the scar she had given him; truth be told, Rey was a little ashamed at how a part of her boomed with pride at the fact that _she_ had given him that scar, for everyone to see, he was hers. She had to put it in there, that she would have been okay even if he decided not to fight, but it wasn’t an option: the force was constantly pushing them in the thick of the fight, and she knew Ben to be too restless and opinionated - just like his parents - to just stand by. Most importantly, Rey really wanted to kiss him, and being so close to him was not helping her self control. His gaze… it was something else, it was always _so_ intense on her, she loved it.

‘It’s okay’ she repeated, hugging him again, placing a kiss on his cheek, smiling at how right his hands were on her waist, on her back.

They stayed like that until the sun began to disappear over the horizon announcing the beginning of the night cycle, and then they walked back to the base together, side by side.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a long day, let’s go to bed’ she said kissing the corner of his mouth, a hand holding his and the other on his cheek, Ben looking at her as if she’d just showed him the stars shining in the sky for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated in a while but life has been... well, life, and my mental health hasn't been great either. Anyhow, updates will soon be regular again. In the meantime, enjoy some fluff, with a side of angst, but mostly fluff.

‘I can’t’

‘You don’t like it?’

‘That’s… not the point’

‘I don’t understand’ said Rey confused.

They were standing at the door of his assigned quarters, private and very nice, after he had been finally released by the medics. Yet, somehow, it was not okay.

‘I know it’s a bit… old, and not like the First Order luxury but…’

‘It’s really not that’ Ben repeated, a slight blush on his cheek that reached the top of his ears, making Rey really glad that his hair were still short.

A week had passed since their afternoon in the forest, and while Ben had been speaking again - very little, mostly to her - he still kept to himself.

‘So what is it?’

‘I… uh, I… have… nightmares’

‘Okay… but, you haven’t had one in a while, the medics said you always sleep well, little but well’

Ben became even redder, if it was possible, looking everywhere but at her.

‘I have become, uhm… accustomed…? You spent a lot of time, in my room… after dinner, in the uh… night cycle’ he added.

Rey looked at him still confused, then it hit her.

‘Oh… _oh!’_

She was now blushing as well, turning immediately away from him, looking inside the minimal room that was supposed to be his. Rey had never dwelled too much on the fact that she had, in fact, spent many nights sleeping in Ben’s room, either at his side or in his arms. It wasn’t something she had thought about, how it would change once he was released… _now_ that she thought about it, she too found herself a little… apprehensive. Their quarters were almost on opposite sides of the base, it was a fifteen minutes walk, and the more she thought about it, the more she was bothered by it.

Was she rushing into something? Into them? Was there a them?

Ben was still looking somewhere into the room, cheeks still burning red, and a warm feeling flooding the bond between them; the same warmth that she felt every time they were in each others arms. She really liked touching him, having him close, his hands hesitant but warm on her when he dared to take her hand.

‘C’mon’ she said moving past him.

‘Where…?’ he asked following her down the corridor.

‘My quarters are this way’

'Oh’ was all Ben said, walking by her side.

They stayed quiet while they passed the busiest parts of the base.

'Are you... sure?’ he asked hesitant, once he was certain they would not be overheard.

Rey shrugged, she was sure she didn’t feel comfortable having him so far away now that they were together, she didn’t know about the rest. She wasn’t even sure it mattered that much.

Rey opened the door to her quarters and let Ben in, closing it behind him.

‘So… uhm, this is it’ she said awkwardly.

The room was identical to the one that had been assigned to him, the only difference being that hers looked a little more personal, she had acquired some belongings since joining the Resistance with nothing but her staff and the clothes she had on when she left Jakku.

‘I have kept your saber here with mine’ Rey said walking towards the desk, trying to ignore how _small_ her cot suddenly looked. ‘And the Jedi texts, we should probably look at them… You’ve spent so much time with Luke, I’m sure you know more than I do about all of this’ she added touching the books on her desk, her hand lingering on their sabers, next to each other, just like they were.

The force hummed in agreement around them, balance.

‘Sort of’ he answered biting the inside of his cheeks, and Rey saw it before it happened, before she felt it in the connection they shared.

Ben was still standing near the door, looking at the ceiling or at his feet. Something shifted inside him, and through the bond Rey felt his awkwardness melt into sadness, the tiredness that made his whole body heavy. He felt out of place, yet again a disappointment. Despite how hesitant he was when Leia came to speak to him, it hurt him to see how close his mother was with Poe, how little she came to see him because, just like when he was a child, the cause came before everything. Not even being _the problem_ had granted him his mother’s full attention, he thought, bittersweet.

He was spiralling. It happened always quickly and suddenly, and it escalated fast, although Rey was becoming good at stopping him. Some of his thoughts about himself still made her shiver - like three days ago, when Poe had come into Ben’s room to remind her they had a meeting with the council and Ben had looked intently at Poe’s blaster until she left a kiss on his cheek before she stood up to follow Poe. She tried not to panic when she didn’t know what to do, when a darkness that had little to do with the dark side clouded his mind, so she had just taken to be close to him, to touch him in order to ground him to reality, gently letting their minds brush through the bond until they melted into each other’s arms.

Rey moved closer and she took his hand in hers, Ben looking down at her carefully, studying her every expression, always tense at first as if preparing to be hit. He was touch starved, that’s what the medics had told her and Leia, his withdrawal a consequence of years of loneliness and isolation during which touch by others meant getting hurt. Ben was not used to this, to people being kind and caring, to the way she caressed his skin and held his hand. Rey knew exactly how that felt like, she had felt it too, in another kind of isolation on Jakku, and it warmed her that she was the one who could give him that, kindness and love. Because he understood her, because he cared for her, and so much more she still didn’t know how to put into words.

‘It’s been a long day, let’s go to bed’ she said kissing the corner of his mouth, a hand holding his and the other on his cheek, Ben looking at her as if she’d just showed him the stars shining in the sky for the first time.

Suddenly, her awkwardness washed away with his sadness, leaving them both trembling with the slightest hint of anticipation and the warm comfort of the unexpected easiness of intimacy. Ben moved his hands carefully on her, helping her out of her clothes with light touches that nevertheless burned her skin in a pleasant way, leaving goosebumps in their wake. On the other hand, he seemed to stop breathing when she helped him out of his shirt, out of his pants, and then they looked at each other - every scar on their bodies, every story they yet had to share with each other - while they put on the shirt and pants the Resistance issued as nightwear.

Rey was affected by the sight of his broad, naked, chest just as she was on Ahch-To, but there was heat rising in her, some nervousness and anticipation, because he was with her, she could raise her arm and touch him. And she did.

All the painful dreams she had had while she thought she had lost him forever had just forced her to admit how much he meant to her, how deep their connection was. They were kindred spirits. She had seen _him_ , he had seen her, and he still cared, he still wanted her. So Rey just ignored - as always - the part of her brain that - as always - told her she was being reckless.

She put her hands on his chest, and when she looked up to meet his surprised gaze, she moved them under his shirt, delighted by the feeling of his muscles contracting, shivering under her touch. Ben was tall, annoyingly so when, like in that moment, she wished to be able to reach his face, but maybe it was for the better. She left a kiss on his collarbone, then one right at the base of his neck, the highest place she could reach without staying on her tiptoes.

Ben gasped.

‘Let’s go to sleep, yeah?’ she asked, her hands still under his shirt on his waist, her forehead resting against his chest. He always smelled so good, he was always so warm.

Carefully, she felt his hands on her back, holding her lightly, moving up and down her back, and then a kiss on the crown of her head that made her smile.

‘Yes’

Ben climbed into the cot fist, moving against the wall and leaving what was a very small space for her; it wasn’t his fault, he was huge compared to most people and the Resistance’s standard issued bed were small. It wasn’t really a problem, Rey tried not to smirk too much when she climbed in as well, moving until her back was pressed against him. There was no need for words, and he held her close, tightly, in an embrace that made her feel secure, warm and loved like nothing ever had in her entire life.

With the force they turned the lights off, and Rey hummed happily lacing her fingers with Ben’s where his hand was resting on her middle.

‘I don’t know if I can get better’ he muttered after a while, in the dark, against the back of her neck.

She was almost asleep, and it took her a moment to reply.

‘The important thing is that you’re trying’

‘But what if I fail and…’

’Shh, I’m here, I’ll be here. Remember? You’re not alone, and I am here. I am not alone, and you are here’

Ben shifted closer, if that was even possible given how they were pressed against each other, and left a kiss on her shoulder, then another one on her neck.

‘Goodnight’ he said after a while.

‘Goodnight’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But he was smiling, and Rey knew it was a moment she had to cherish, because his sadness would come back as soon as they left her quarters to be under the careful scrutiny of the Resistance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another long wait, but I had to move and I am now finally uploading from my new flat, where there are (finally) no more boxes. Enjoy the fluff, there's plenty of it in this chapter.

Rey woke up with her face pressed against Ben’s chest, his arms holding her against him and their legs tangled. She was halfway on him, which was a good thing given how small the cot was, otherwise she would have ended up on the floor. But Ben, even in his sleep, had held on to her as they moved during the night.

He always held her like she was something precious, and it never failed to make her blush. Given her issues with intimacy, it should have been a problem. But it was Ben, so it wasn’t.

She moved carefully, so that she could stand up a bit on her elbows to better look at him, at how peaceful and young he looked when he was asleep. Her hands moved almost automatically, brushing some locks of hair from his forehead, moving carefully on the back of his neck, where his skin was still raw and pink from where it had been burned away. The first time Rey had seen the state of his back, covered in scars from years of battles, Hux’s torture, and the burns he had gained on Naboo, she had felt herself tense so much she had thought she was going to snap in two. The constant treatment with bacta would only make his skin smoother, but the scars, the burn marks, they would be on his skin forever. The shackles had also left scars on his wrists and ankles as well, white lines that were less visible on his pale skin in comparison to the angry red scars on his back.

She didn’t mind - he was always beautiful to her - but they made her angry, because Hux had dared to hurt him, almost killed him, and she was never going to forgive him and Snoke for that, for all they did to Ben through the years. A part of her knew that Ben, similarly, felt the same anger towards her parents, towards Pultt, for having left her alone to an early life of hardship and almost starvation.

Ben began to stir, his breath heavier, and Rey moved her hands on his body until she cupped his face, showering him in warm light kisses on his cheeks, his forehead, his closed eyes, his jaw. She wanted to make him feel like he made her feel: precious, cherished, wanted. For a moment, everything that wasn’t them disappeared from her mind, because Ben opened his warm eyes to meet hers, a small smile on his lips that for once was not tainted by sadness, his hands in her hair, on her back.

She wondered if he would kiss her, if he would like that.

Rey would have asked, but she suddenly lacked courage, and then Ben held her flush against his chest, placing a kiss on her forehead while she tucked herself under his chin, and it was okay anyway. She could get used to this, to him being the last thing she saw before falling asleep and the first when she woke up. She already was.

‘How rebellious are you feeling today?’ he asked, his voice muddled by sleep a music Rey loved, his chest rumbling pleasantly under her cheek.

‘Hm?’

His hands moving up and down her back were distracting, pressed against him in a tight embrace - warm, safe, comfortable - she risked seriously to fall asleep again, and fast.

‘My mother’ he began to say, the words careful on his lips, still foreign after so many years of having been unspoken ‘she wants me to be in a council meeting, give informations and stuff like that’

‘And you want to run away?’ she asked, one of her hands sneaking under his shirt.

Ben whimpered. Rey absolutely loved it.

‘I won’t lie. I thought about it, but I think I should do it. Thing is, I need an ungodly amount of caf to function properly through that’

’Ben, the medics said no caf’

‘Isn’t this some kind of rebellion? Also I really, _really_ , need it’

Rey propped herself up to look at him in the eyes, there was a playfulness to his words, a lightness that filled her heart and soul in a wonderful way. Still, she pretended to be unwavering in her stand with the medics’ opinion.

‘Please?’ he asked biting his lower lip, distracting Rey.

‘Half a cup… watered down with lots of milk’

Ben snorted.

‘Fine’

But he was smiling, and Rey knew it was a moment she had to cherish, because his sadness would come back as soon as they left her quarters to be under the careful scrutiny of the Resistance, his past ready to be used against him.

In a moment of absolute clarity, while the force was blissfully silent, Rey realised that what they were sharing in that moment was all she ever wanted. She wanted her friends to be happy, the Resistance to win, yes, but she wanted to stay with Ben, to smile and joke and argue with him. Today, tomorrow, and _after_ , maybe like in her dreams, the two of them and a peaceful planet.

That was probably why she kissed him, his lips warm and soft under hers, chipped and slightly cold. Ben didn’t seem to mind, he leaned into the kiss although she could tell he didn’t have the faintest idea of what he was doing. His cheeks were covered by a warm blush when they parted, his lips redder than she had ever seen them.

Rey kissed the scar on his right cheek where it began, and Ben’s eyes fluttered closed.

 _Mine._ Rey thought without being able to control herself, possessive.

For the first time, a light wave of lust flooded the bond, and it was Rey’s turn to bite her lips.

‘Let’s go get you some caf’ she said standing up, reluctantly moving away from his warm embrace.

They got ready in silence, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable one. Rey could say without doubt that it was one of the best mornings she had ever had, with this exercise in cohesion she and Ben were practicing, the domesticity of it. It was going very well, but like she had predicted, the moment they left her room Ben’s mood began to shift. He retreated into himself while everywhere they went every one seemed to look at them. People were more curious about him than angry, but Ben wasn’t able to tell the difference. He felt like when he was at Luke’s Academy, everyone looking at him only to see when he would fail, as if there was no other option for him.

Rey tried to hold his hand, but he didn’t let her. He was spiralling again and pushing her away was part of it, she knew, but the rejection sting anyway. Ben wasn’t going to leave her like her parents, she knew, but when she felt him question his feelings because of the bond, she couldn’t help but do the same. It was brief, and the force seemed deeply offended by the both of them questioning themselves. They shared so much, fighting styles, memories, and emotions. On Ahch-To, the bond had connected them through space, but it had been his understanding, his willingness to listen to her and his words - which came from his heart, from the way he understood her, from the way he cared about her - that made her hopeful, that spurred her to trust him, to reach out to him. Just like that morning, and every time they were together, she always felt at ease, she didn’t have to pretend, she could be herself, cheerful yet quickly worried by the force, she could cry and smile and reveal to him her deepest fears and Ben would have understood like no one else could, not because of the bond, but because he was _Ben_.

Once that was clear in her mind, the force felt more at ease around her, even despite the tension that permeated the war room in which they were in. All the major members of the council were there, and also Finn, Poe, Rose, Connix. They all had their eyes on Ben, who stood between her and Leia.

They had asked him to explain some of the information he had sent before he accepted his doom on Naboo, after he discovered Hux’s plot for a coup and decided to give himself up willingly. Despite the clarity of his words, of his voice, Rey knew that both she and Leia could feel in the force how upset he was, how tense, ready to be hit by some remark on his past at every moment.

‘I don’t know much about that’ he admitted after a couple of hours of questioning ‘I was under Snoke, training, and he sent me around to do something but it was Hux who always was at the head of the military. I was just…’

 _Snoke’s mad war dog_ , was what was left unspoken, and everyone seemed to know.

‘So you don’t know how many reinforcements and resources they have in the Unknown Regions?’ a Senator from Coruscant asked. He was an old friend of Leia.

‘I know Hux called in most of the First Order forces to Starkiller, it was his personal project and he never imagined you would destroy it. Before Crait, I knew he was calling in other star destroyers but I guess there aren’t too many now, they have some stormtrooper training facilities there but if they want more ships they have to come closer to the Core, to shipbuilding worlds like Corellia’

‘That’s good to know, making the Corellian government decide that First Order credits are no good it’s battle I don’t mind fighting, certainly better than going against an entire fleet of star destroyers’ the senator said with a smirk.

‘About Starkiller and the stormtroopers’ Finn said, and the tension became almost palpable ‘those who joined us recently had some interesting stories’ all eyes were on him with those words ‘some of those who had served on the Supremacy said you often argued with Hux and Phasma about having clone troopers instead of stormtroopers, and some even said that on more of one occasion you said that Starkiller was a mad man dream that, and I quote, would explode in front of Hux’s pathetic face if not under his feet’

Ben shrugged, and Rey smiled lightly, promising herself to hug Finn as soon as the meeting was over.

‘Well, I always knew you had your father’s sense of sarcasm’ said Leia with a smile.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘They are… lighter than I am. They smile, like you, and they are normal, happy, kind. You should… have that. I would understand if you were to choose that…’ instead of me, was what was left unspoken.

‘You don’t have to this because of the bond, because you feel… responsible’ Ben said after, when they were finally alone in her quarters.

It had been a long day, with the meeting with the council and then a very long dinner during which her friends had welcomed Ben in their own way, recalling defecting stormtooper’s stories about Kylo Ren annoying the crap out of Hux with proposals for clones and sarcastic remarks after every other word. Ben had been awkward at first but, eventually, he had began to relax a bit, and Rey had been very happy.

‘That’s not it and you know it’ she replayed with a patient smile.

He could feel her feelings in the bond, but his darkness pushed him to doubt it since he couldn’t comprehend someone caring for him while he felt broken, useless. He had been an instrument to Snoke, a mean to an end, for far too long, and he had internalised that far too much for Rey’s liking.

‘What about Dameron and… Finn?’ he asked, and Rey stopped, confused.

‘What?’

‘You could… you know, be with them?’ he asked looking at his hands.

‘Be with _them_?’ she repeated confused, and Ben gestured vaguely around them.

He meant intimacy, he meant…

‘They are… _lighter_ than I am. They smile, like you, and they are normal, happy, kind. You should… have that. I would understand if you were to choose that…’ _instead of me_ , was what was left unspoken.

‘They don’t understand me like you do, they don’t make me feel like you do’ she whispered those words on his lips, once she sat down next to him on the cot, her hand already lost in his hair.

‘I’m a burden’ he said moving back, looking away, so Rey laced her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder.

‘ _Ben_ ’ she said simply, the bond singing with her feelings for him.

He seemed to understand a little, and that night Rey held him, his head on her chest and his arms around her, her fingers drawing patterns on his scalp until he fell asleep.

The next morning, when she woke up with their faces mere centimetres apart, a smile pulled her lips.

Rey couldn’t name the feelings she had for him, the only thing she knew was that she had never experienced anything that strong for anyone. Never in her life she had felt the pull to be close with someone so desperately, mentally and physically, to kiss someone else’s lips, yet here she was, brushing hers against Ben’s, waiting for him to wake up in the warmness of their bed.

_Theirs… them._ It sounded perfect to her.

Unfortunately, it was a bad day.

Ben woke up already conquered by the sadness, and no matter how much she tired, he barely spoke, and he refused to get out of bed.

Rey stood on the threshold of her quarters, nervously moving her feet a step in and then one out of the room, then in and out again. A part of her wanted to go to the mass hall, get something for herself and Ben, but at the same time she didn’t want to leave him. After the weird look the third pilot who passed by gave her, Rey closed the door and climbed back on the cot with him. She wrapped her arms around Ben, kissed his cheeks, his lips, but his hold on her was weak, as if he was as tired as he had been when he first woke up after his rescue.

Rey moved them until they were laying down facing each other, one of her legs over Ben’s hip, her hand on his cheek.

‘I like this’ she murmured ‘I like you so much Ben. I really like spending time with Finn and the others, but I like it even more when you’re there too, like last night. Did you had fun last night?’

Ben, slowly, began to respond, a frown on his face.

‘I… was terrible, I don’t know how to… chat, everything I said was… wrong. They probably hate me’

‘They like you, Ben, the more they know you the more they do. Don’t be afraid. Finn loves how you pissed off Hux, Poe thinks you’re a very good pilot, and Rose loves that you know your way around a ship. They know your past, and they know this is a war. Even Poe, despite your first encounter, wants to eat with you now, it has to mean something, don’t you think?’

Ben bit his lip, unconvinced. The bond was flooded by what he was feeling, by how he was trying not to cry so hard it hurt.

‘Ben, listen to me, trust me’ she murmured on his lips.

His hold on her became firmer, and for the first time he was the one to kiss her. They kissed slowly, for minutes, maybe hours, until she felt his mood shift through the bond, the sadness receding enough for him to breath. It had a different effect on her, his hands on her skin awakened a lust she had never thought she could feel, and she found herself on top of him before she could stop herself. She needed to go slow, because Ben, full of fears and doubts as he was, would have never said no to any of her requests, even if it hurt him, and he was not ready for _that_ yet.

‘Let’s go and see if there’s something left to eat. We can train a bit then’ she proposed standing up.

She was relieved when Ben stood up as well. He wasn’t smiling, but he was moving, and that was enough for her. Without leaving him time to protest, she held his hand when they left her quarters, and Rey made sure to push through the bond how good it felt to go around the base like that with him, the light blush on Ben’s cheeks making her smile.

‘Here you are, we were wondering where you were’ Leia intercepted them in a corridor before they could reach the hall.

Despite her smile - which widened when she saw their hands linked - Ben tensed at the sight of his mother, in both shame and anger.

‘It took us a bit to get out of bed. The day didn’t start as a good one’ Rey said, seeing no reason to hide anything from Leia, especially regarding Ben.

Leia’s smile faltered, her eyes immediately on Ben, who looked down at his feet.

‘Was it?’

There was silence, Ben’s eyes searching his mother’s face for something, and then, before Leia could add something, Ben pulled away from Rey.

‘I know I don’t belong here’ he blurted out, before disappearing down the corridor with long strides.

Pressing her lips together, Rey watched him go while she could feel clearly the pain in Leia through the force.

‘I’ve been exceptionally good in numerous roles in my life, but not as a mother’

‘It’s not your fault’ Rey replayed immediately.

She knew Leia hadn’t been a perfect mother, but she was still a mother to her, and to Ben, especially, even despite his disappointment.

‘I may not be as strong in the force as you two, but I can feel what goes on his mind. I know how disappointed he is in me, how ashamed he is of what he did, of the jealousy he feels for Poe, most of all’

Rey wondered if Leia saw it too, the way Ben sometimes eyed blasters, blades, the hate he had for himself, if she worried about that as much as she did.

‘It’s just a bad day’ Rey repeated, to Leia and to herself.

She found Ben hours later, hidden behind a stack of crates in an angle of the hangar, he was looking at Poe easily conversing and laughing with other pilots. There was sadness in him, the sinking feeling that Poe had always been the son Leia and Han would have wanted him to be. A good pilot, a bit cocky, like Han, but a firm leader with a good heart, like Leia. Instead they had him, a walking disappointment. So weak he had been manipulated for almost a decade, convinced by Snoke that killing Han would have help him. The fact that Luke, his own uncle, had tried to kill him, was what hurt most of all. He was a lost cause, he…

‘Ben’ Rey called, before he could spiral further, into thinking how he should have died on Naboo, how he still could…

‘I’m sorry’ he said, voice broken, mistaking her worry for disappointment.

Sitting down next to him, Rey took one of his hands in hers.

‘You’re a good person Ben, there’s so much light in you. You need to accept yourself. It’s like you said in the Throne Room, just because I come from nowhere it doesn’t mean I am nothing. It’s the same for you. We can’t let what happened to us determine who we are, we have some agency. Snoke is gone, Luke is gone. It’s just me and you. I’ve decided what to do, who I want to be, where to stand. Now it’s time for you to do the same’

Rey left a kiss on his knuckles, another on his forehead. Then she stood up and walked away.

It was something he had to do on his own.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were growing, learning, healing, together, it wasn’t bad, but it was scary.

For a week, Ben seemingly disappeared.

He was still around the base, in the forest, Rey could feel him, faintly, in the force, even though he closed the bond. He was thinking, and he needed space and time, and Rey wasn’t going to complain.

She needed the same too. What she had told Ben was true, she knew where to stand, what to do, and whilst she refused missions off-world, she worked as hard as she could on base, fixing ships and helping Leia in the command centre. A part of her was afraid of being too dependent on Ben, but the sadness she felt alone in her bed at night was of another kind from the one she had felt on Jakku.

Ben was _there_ , and he was coming back.

There was the bond between them, and then there were the feelings that had blossomed since Ahch-To, that pushed them together in a similar yet different way. It wasn’t codependency, they weren’t losing themselves in each other, she wasn’t losing herself in Ben. They were growing, learning, healing, together, it wasn’t bad, but it was scary.

She pushed those thoughts into the bond when she felt Ben opening it around midday, to let her know he was mostly okay. His answer was a warm feeling, memories of her sleepy smiles in the early mornings that made her blush in the middle of the mess hall.

'Can you two stop flirting in front of my salad?’ Poe asked, faking annoyance while Finn badly hid his laugh.

'Shut up, it’s cute’ said Rose winking at Rey, making her blush even more.

That night, when she went back to her quarters, Ben’s saber and his kyber crystal were gone. One of the Jedi text was open, the oldest one she had always preferred, on a page she had never been able to translate. With fascination, she looked at the piece of paper left over Anakin’s broken saber, on which Ben - by hand! Who even wrote by hand anymore? - had translated two pages for her with a beautiful calligraphy.

Excited, she immediately got to work, tinkering with the saber and the broken crystal, trying to follow the instructions of the text in order to fix it. She only managed to get a good start in fixing the body, but the crystal... apparently she needed to meditate, to bond with the crystal and the force in order to place it correctly in the saber, but she wasn’t good at it. Meditating had never been her thing, even on Ahch-To with Luke’s guidance. There was also no mention of how to fix a broken crystal - like hers - or a cracked one, like Ben’s - so she wondered what he was doing.

She feel asleep on her desk, and her back protested when she woke up stiff the next morning. Her discomfort was almost immediately forgotten when she felt the bond completely shut.

She couldn’t feel Ben in any way.

It felt too much like the months after Crait, before she almost lost him on Naboo, and anxiety and fear made her heart clench painfully, every breath increasingly more difficult.

Rey tried to be rational, maybe he was meditating and needed time alone to heal his crystal, thinking she needed space as well. When she asked around, she was surprised when she learned that early that morning Ben had asked Rose for some wires before disappearing into the forest again.

Feeling more calm, she revealed, to an extremely excited Rose that yes, they were fixing their lightsabers and yes, she would see them soon.

The rest of the morning passed away rather quickly while Rey helped Leia with the logistic for their growing fleet. Since Crait and after several successful operations, more and more worlds had begun to shift to the Resistance, new allies supplying people and ships. So many ships, in fact, that soon they would be needing a new hangar on world, or a new flagship on orbit. They couldn’t bargain with shipbuilder wolds like the First Order could, but the Mon Calamari were proving very helpful, promising a new flagship for the Resistance in their unwavering commitment to the cause.

Around midday, Rey was waiting for Ben to open the bond when, suddenly, something shifted in the force.

_Danger_.

Alarms began to sound, and running outside the base, Rey could see two First Order shuttles breaking atmo, aiming for the base. Behind her, Finn and Poe were arguing if they should shoot them down.

'Maybe they’re defectors?’

'Yeah, but HOW did they find us, Finn?!’ Poe screamed over the sound of the alarms.

The question was answered when one of the shuttles began to fire on them, covering for the other while troopers in a black armour began to disembark and fire.

'They’re the elite squad! The worst of the worst!’ Finn informed them, and Rey pressed her lips together.

If only she had managed to fix the saber last night, if only…

Suddenly the fire form the troopers’ blasters stopped in midair.

'YES! It’s even more awesome when it’s in our favour!’ Poe shouted, before beginning to move forward with an assault squad.

Other troopers began to disembark from the second shuttle, but before they could advance, a black figure moved on them.

Rey, and most of the Resistance, stood still and looked, speechless, while Ben Solo took on fifty-something stormtroopers on his own. His form was perfect, his fighting style polished, elegant but brute in his force, and Rey couldn’t tear her eyes away from his lightsaber.

The crystal was _healed_ , and it let out a steady pulse of pure _white_ plasma, which sometimes contained crackling red veins.

The bond was finally fully open, and she could feel every muscle in his body aching for such an effort after months of inactivity, the adrenaline spurring him to continue, created by the deep fear he felt for her and Leia.

Rey saw the moment Ben, from the forest, saw the two shuttles break their barriers. The fear he had felt for her and Leia, his willingness to help, to do good for once, had unlocked something in him, in the force, and suddenly he knew what to do. He knew he had done bad things, he accepted it, but he also knew he could do good now. It wasn’t only a matter of making amends for his past actions, he could do good things, not because he _could_ , but because he _wanted_ to. He found a new balance inside of him, between the dark and the light, between his fear of losing her and his love for her, and his crystal had healed in his hands, ready to be perfectly seated in the saber before he started to run back to the base.

He left, but he came back.

To her.

For her.

'What are you all waiting for?! Help him!’ Leia shouted from behind them, but Rey was already running towards him.

She didn’t have her saber, only her staff, but she could use the force anyway. Because of the bond she knew how to push stormtroopers flying back, how to stop blaster’s fire in midair, doors she never even knew where there began to open in her mind, pouring knowledge of the force into her.

In a moment, it was like in the Throne Room: they were fighting back to back, covering each other’s dark spots as if they had fought side by side all their life. It was exhilarating in a way, how complete they both felt when they just let it happen without questioning it, the bond, the force, and everything between them.

The force and its balance, especially, it made them so much stronger.

There was rage, but also love. Hate but also hope. Dark and yet light, in a perfect balance that was uniquely _theirs_ , and the universe seemed to hum in agreement, showering them with so much power they could barely control it.

In a moment, she raised her hand the same moment Ben did, and with the force they pushed the shuttle that was still hoovering crashing on the ground, forcing the remaining stormtroopers to surrender in fear.

Whilst Poe and Finn took charge of cuffing the stormtroopers that weren’t unconscious on the ground, Rey turned to Ben. His face was shadowed by the white light of the saber, and looking into his eyes, Rey felt her heart swell with love.

He was looking at her like he always did, with awe and love and, unlike on the Supremacy, there was a hint of true happiness in him. He had done the right thing, the cracks in his soul healing under the pride he saw in her eyes, the acceptance, the love.

She took a step forward and she kissed him right there, in front of the entire Resistance.

'I’ve missed you’ she whispered on his lips.

'I’ll always come back, I promise’

'I know’

 

* * *

 

That night, while Ben was with Leia, Poe, and Finn, interrogating the stormtroopers to find out if they had to move their base, Rey sat down at her desk again.

She took the two broken halves of the saber in her hands and she felt, for the first time, no sadness while looking at them. It wasn’t a bad thing, that the crystal was split. She didn’t know how she had missed it before: while the crystal was split physically, it was still one in the force. It had broken because the force refused to choose between her and Ben, between the absolutes they had mistakenly believed in.

Rey took apart the body of the saber again, adding to it parts from her staff. A patchwork of her story, from Jakku and loneliness to acceptance into a family heavy with legacy, the resistance, her bond with Ben, her acceptance of herself, the future that was still to come.

When Ben came back to _their_ quarters a couple of hours later, Rey showed him her new saber. A white pulse of plasma coming out from both ends.

Ben smirked, the pride he felt for her, the love, rolling off of him in warm waves in the force, surrounding her and mixing with her feelings for him.

'Ready to fight?’ she asked with a smirk.

‘By your side? Always’ he replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They had the bond, yet they both feared rejection from the other so much it was almost ridiculous.

That night, they kissed for _hours._ They kept rolling in the cot, smiling on each other’s lips, whispering sweet nonsense, their hands exploring without daring too much. But they kissed for hours, and Rey loved it. She loved the way Ben was relaxed, the way he smiled, the way he held her, the way his hands gently caressed her skin when they sneaked under her clothes. There was still darkness in his mind, but the high they both reached after the fight, after fixing their lightsabers, it kept it at bay, and so did his feelings for her, the way they were tangled in each other’s arms.

Rey never meant to push it too far, but suddenly she was in his lap, and she was grinding down on him, and Ben _moaned._ Rey stopped, because that had to be the sweetest sound she had ever heard and she wanted _more_ , so much more it left her breathless. His lips on her skin felt like a blessing, like fresh water after hours under the sun and burning-hot, all at the same time. He made her head spin while her hands wondered under his shirt, her fingernails lightly scratching trails down his abdomen, feeling each of his muscles contract, his whimpers on her lips. But she had to take a breath, calm down, she would never rush things for him, no matter how wet she felt, how much of her skin was pleasantly on fire under his fingers.

Ben misunderstood.

He jerked back, moving away from her, his back to the wall and eyes full of shame while he mumbled a continuous stream of ‘sorry’, looking anywhere but at her.

‘Hey, hey, no, no, it’s okay, I just… I don’t want to rush things too much. When… you know, when it’s time, and you’ll feel ready, but not before’ she reassured moving closer slowly, until she could straddle him again, although more carefully this time.

‘I’m not… used to this… sorry’ Ben admitted whilst moving a hand through his hair, clearly stressed and ashamed. His other hand trembling a little on her waist.

Rey couldn’t understand why he felt so much shame. It was normal, they liked each other, and they… _oh_.

It was Snoke. And Luke before that. The rules of the Jedi order forbid attachment, and Snoke constantly searching his mind for weakness had forced Ben to bottled down a lot.

‘Nothing to be ashamed of, I promise. I feel it too’ she said reassuring him, placing a kiss on the tip of his nose that made him smile lightly.

‘I want you to stay here with me, if you’d like’ she added while caressed lightly the nape of his neck. Ben always calmed down when she did that, and this time was no exception.

He slowly melted into her embrace, his nose brushing her collarbone, breathing her in, and his hands on her back keeping her close, no longer trembling.

‘I want to’ he said, finally.

Rey relaxed, too, at that.

They had the bond, yet they both feared rejection from the other so much, it was almost ridiculous.

‘Can we…?’ Ben asked raising his head, meeting her gaze briefly before his eyes fell on her lips. Her words had reached him, and he wasn’t as afraid as before, as ashamed.

‘Of course, just tell me when it’s too much’ she answered with a smile before kissing him again.

It took them maybe less than five minutes to get back where they were before, and while Rey was trying very hard not to grind down on him, this time it was Ben who moved his hips up, meeting hers and making her moan out loud. He was hard, and she was so wet, and they were both breathless.

She had experiences before, on Jakku, but it had never been this intense, she had never felt _so much_.

‘It’s… okay’ Ben whispered, as breathless as she was, his lips on her neck. ‘What… what do you need? _Please_ , tell me’

His voice was deep and raw, and the bond was flooding with pleasure, his and hers. Rey just left her head fall on Ben’s shoulder while she sought friction, grinding down on him while he moved up to meet her until they were both panting. It happened suddenly, her fingers pulling his hair, scratching his scalp with her fingernails, and his hands on her waist holding her so strongly she was probably going to bruise. But it didn’t matter, pleasure took them both by surprise, making them moan, loudly.

With difficulty she forced her eyes open, she wanted nothing more than to fall asleep lulled by the aftermath of pleasure, by Ben’s heartbeat under her cheek, his arms around her, and his feelings for her warming her soul. But she had to make sure he was okay.

‘I’m okay, that was…’ he said when she looked up, a small smile on his lips.

It shouldn’t have been so intense, but the bond had made sure that they shared their pleasure as well. Not that she was complaining.

‘Probably need a shower…’ he added, insecurity creeping back into his voice.

‘Yeah, we should take a shower’

They stumbled to their feet, and Rey smiled while they walked to the bathroom, while they took off their clothes and Ben blushed furiously at the mess in his pants. He almost forgot to breath when he saw her completely naked, his gaze travelling up and down her body while her smile faltered, slightly insecure. Her lack of food meant that she was more bones and muscles than anything else, her breasts weren’t big, she didn’t have pleasant curves like Rose or the other women in the resistance.

‘You’re so beautiful’ Ben said, breathless.

It blew away all of her insecurity, his tone, his gaze… his feelings for her warmed her in a way she couldn’t even begin to explain. Somehow, everything she saw as shameful, as a defect, to his eyes inspired awe and love for her. Rey’s eyes were brighter with unshed tears when she took his hand and he helped her into the shower, but before they did, she spoke her mind as well.

‘You’re beautiful too, you know?’

Ben blushed, and Rey was mesmerised by the way he did so from the top of his ears down to his collarbone. To say beautiful was an understatement for her, he was glorious, all muscles… and the scars that covered his body mattered only because they meant that yes, he suffered, but he came back, he was with her now.

Ben just shook his shoulders, mumbling something about his hideous scars, and before she could reply, Rey found that it was her turn, this time, to look at him with awe when they entered the shower.

Ben began to talk about what he had done in the forest, what he read in the Jedi text and the most trivial things that he wanted to share with _her_ while he gently washed her hair, her body. The intimacy of it all almost made her cry. Never in her life she had imagined that she could have something like that, someone who actively sought her company, who cared so much for her, who wanted to take care of her the way Ben did, share his time with her the way he did.

She tried to reciprocate as best as she could, but in the end Ben seemed to do most of the work, wrapping her in a warm towel once they were out of the shower and drying her hair gently while she looked at him trying not cry, trying not to think this was more than everything she had ever wanted, everything she had ever dreamed of.

‘Don’t leave me’ she said on the verge of tears when they were back in bed, her old fears of abandonment, or not being enough, suddenly resurfacing.

‘Even if I do, I’ll always come back, sweetheart, I promise’ Ben said kissing both her cheeks, holding her close to him until they both fell asleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was love, but family was complicated. It was something Rey had never expected. She had always thought that it would be simple, family and love a steady line that had no space for uncertainty, mistakes, but that was fantasy.

From the interrogation of the stormtroopers, it came out that they had been sold off for credits by some of the inhabitants of the cities on the other side of the planet, the one they had traded with for rations and food. The garrison that had attacked them hadn’t reported their movements to high command since they though they would just check out the area, but their absence would be noticed soon enough, and they couldn’t risk it.

They needed to evacuate, and fast.

Fortunately, despite the growing number of people, the base had never reached proper working conditions, so the move was mostly fast and smooth. By the beginning of the night cycle of the planet, most of the ships had left the base, either joining their flagship in orbit or proceeding to light speed to their rendezvous point.

Rose had been the first to leave, leading a small fleet of ships to inspect and prepare their new base; Finn had left shortly after with the ex-stormtroopers and some of their troops for the rendezvous point, while Poe took command of the flagship that was still in orbit behind one of the planet’s moons and the ships that were to join him.

Chewie had to help get a ship similar to the Falcon - that almost no one knew how to fly - off the ground, so Rey, Ben and Leia were among the last to leave on the Falcon.

It was a good thing, in part. They needed time, especially Ben.

He walked carefully on his father’s old ship, Leia behind him and Rey ahead, in contrast to the last time, when he had been hurt and mostly unconscious.

‘Help me fly?’ Rey asked, and Ben nodded.

He sat down in his father’s seat and she let him take his time.

There was still anger in him, mostly towards himself, the bittersweet memories of Han, the regret for killing him, for listening to Snoke and his poisonous words. He had fallen, but he came back to the light, his cross guard and its white light a proof of it. Han’s sacrifice hand’t been in vain, and he had kept his promise to Leia, he had been the reason Ben began to turn once again towards the light.

There were things Rey still couldn’t understand, but that was her problem. After the Throne Room, she had recognised the truth in Ben’s words: she had always known the truth about her parents, but she had lied to herself, and her lies, the abandonment, led her to see a father figure in Han, in Luke, even, but they were highly idealised. No matter what impression Han had given her in their shot time together, Ben’s memories were clear, and what he said to her at the very beginning was also true. Han would have disappointed her. Like Ben, she wanted people to stay, and Han had a tendency to leave. It still clashed in her mind, the kindness of Han on Takodana, the way he cared, with the fact that he never tried to look for Ben, to reach out to him. The worst that could possibly happen actually happened, Luke pushing Ben over the edge, failing him, and Snoke’s plan complete; and after all of this, Han just _left_ , he left Leia, and he left Ben.

It was still hard for her to make sense of it, the affection she still felt for Han, created mostly by the crack abandonment had open in her, and the certainty that Han would have disappointed her, that if she had known him in any other manner, she would have never held him in such high regards. Leia was a different story, there were moments in which Rey could understand why she left, the difficulty she faced in juggling the new republic, a difficult marriage, and a son that was hunted by a force she couldn’t understand as Luke could (of thought he could). Rey loved her, admired her, saw her as a mother in a way, but… Leia left her son alone _so much_ to cold droids… Rey had never thought about children of her own, but she would have never left them alone so much, not even for the galaxy.

There was love, but family was complicated. It was something Rey had never expected. She had always thought that it would be simple, family and love a steady line that had no space for uncertainty, mistakes, but that was fantasy.

So she let Ben take his time, look around the cockpit while directly opposite feelings clashed inside him as much as light and dark did. She understood him everyday a bit more, she knew him everyday a bit more, and she felt for him everyday a bit more. It was the same for him - she hoped and she knew - because now he knew she was always cold at night, that she liked to taste new foods, and that when she had more choices of beverage than water she liked tea. He also knew how easily she felt left out, how low her self worth could be some days, and he was always ready to reassure her on those days, to be by her side while she healed from the scars of her past as much as she was by his.

Finally, Ben took a breath and began to warm up the Falcon. Rey smiled while she easily fell into the co-pilot role, pretending to look away when they pulled off the ground and Leia, who was sitting behind Ben, put a hand on his shoulder, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

They remained in orbit until the last ship left the base, then they jumped to light speed in the direction of the new base.

‘I think I’ll go and rest a bit’ Leia announced standing up.

Her hand was still on Ben’s shoulder, and the woman almost jumped in surprise when his hand covered hers.

‘Of course, I’ll come and wake you before we jump out of light speed’ he said with a small smile.

Leia smiled happily, a weight seemed to be lift from her shoulders and she walked away lightly.

‘I almost miss the Porgs’ Rey said once they were alone, making Ben snort. ‘They nested all over the Falcon in Ahch-To’ she was trying to make the day a little more light, fearing too much emotional exhaustion might tire Ben too much.

‘We’re not adopting one’

‘We’ll see’ she answered with a smile, happy to have been able to make him smile as well.

There was little to do while the ship was travelling at light speed, and Rey was surprised when Ben was the one to move first. He reached for her hand and pulled lightly, asking for her to stand up, and she did. He circled her waist with his arms and, like the night before, she was in his lap, although this time to cuddle.

She sighted happily while she tucked herself in, and Ben kissed the crown of her head.

‘I’m yours’ he murmured, his eyes so intense on her.

How could she have ever thought he was a monster? Of course he had to wear a mask, there was so much in his eyes, all his heart and soul.

When those two words reached her, their full meaning, it felt as if the whole ship tilted upside down. He was not going to leave her, if he wanted her, it meant he though she was worth it, that she was enough… they could be together, if he was hers… he could be her family, with Finn, and Rose, Poe and Leia.

She _had_ a family.

Rey didn’t realise that she had started crying until Ben kissed away her tears with a small smile.

‘I’m sorry’ she murmured, her voice broken.

‘Don’t be. It’s okay, it’s… a bit overwhelming for me, too, to know that there are people who care, who… who love you’ Ben said, voice shaking on those last words.

‘Yes’ she whispered back, her eyes locked with his.

Ben smiled, taking her hand in his and kissing her palm. Through the bond, she felt everything and more: _You’re more than enough, you are worth it, you are beautiful, you are so much more, so much more than I ever dared to dream about…_

_I never though someone could care for me, I though I was different because I was broken, forever alone and unlovable, incapable in the light and in the dark_ , he said, aloud, or in her mind, she didn’t know.

_I never though someone would come for me, accept me in their family, care for me, I thought I would have to wait on Jakku forever until the sand slowly buried me the way it buried Stardestroyers_ , she thought back.

‘We’ll get better… together?’ Ben asked.

‘Always’


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'There are lines that, unlike Vader, you have never crossed, not even when you chose the dark side. It says a lot about you, something good'

She woke up in the captain’s quarters, and Rey blinked the sleep away slowly, confused. She must have fallen asleep and Ben carried her there.

He was outside the quarters now, speaking softly to Leia about the new base, about his concerns about security and the First Order moments.

‘Hux will stop at nothing’ he said, and she could feel his tension ‘I should have killed him when I had the chance, but I just… broke down… It would have made the Order weaker’

‘You came back, that’s more enough’ Leia answered.

‘It will never be enough… what I did… ‘

‘And what did you do?’ Leia interrupted him ‘Tell me Ben, because from what I have heard, Snoke used and manipulated you only to look for Luke, for Sith artefacts. You were, thankfully, never the leader of missions in which you exterminated millions the way Vader did. You were against Starkiller, didn’t you say you tried to convince Snoke that having Rey was enough? Why did you do that? Because you believed that his aim was like yours, finding Luke, instead he wanted the destruction of the Hosnian System, and he entrusted Hux with it. You made bad choices Ben, but the crimes of the First Order are not all yours to carry. You have constantly shown empty and compassion. Finn told us, you know, of what happened when you went to find Lord San Tekka, how you saw his reluctance, his conflict, and how you said nothing’

‘I killed Tekka, all those people… ‘

‘I am not denying that, but how many crimes like that have you taken part of? That’s what I thought’ Leia said when she was met with silence ‘He never made you do such things because he knew you never could. There are lines that, unlike Vader, you have never crossed, not even when you chose the dark side. It says a lot about you, something good’

‘Whatever…’ Ben murmured changing the subject. ‘I still think going back to Yavin IV is a bad idea’

‘They will think is stupid for us to do so, thus they will look anywhere but. Also’ Leia added, and Ben sighted ‘after all the times you implored to be told again and again the story of Rogue One as a child, I thought you would understand better that even in the days of the rebellion, we weren’t the bearer of pure light. If we had been, Luke would have never become such a bitter old men’

‘You’re talking about Jyn Erso, but she was…’

‘I’m talking about Captain Andor. While everyone celebrated I went and looked at their records, to remember them, they gave their life for us to have hope and I owed them that. There was little on the others, but the file on Captain Andor chilled me to the bones. The things he did for the rebellion, terrible things, but necessary. It ate him alive, and he ultimately found redemption on Scarif. I allowed such a tragic story to be told to you because I wanted you to see that there is more than the light side and the dark, that struggle and conflict are not a sign of weakness, but the only way we can see what is right. I failed to explain that to you when I should have, among many other things…’

‘It’s fine…’

‘I don’t think it is’

‘There’s nothing we can do it about it now’

‘We could start again, do better this time’

‘Can we?’

‘It’s up to you’ Leia answered kindly before leaving.

When the door to the quarters hissed open, Rey closed her eyes, ashamed of having eavesdropped on such a personal conversation.

Ben sat down softy on the bed, his hand moving up and down her back in a soothing massage.

‘I know you’re awake’

‘Sorry’ she muttered hiding her face in the pillow.

Ben chuckled.

‘It’s okay’ he said, and Rey was lost in the small smile that lingered on his lips, in the comfortable silence they shared while the Falcon travelled through hyperspace.

He was trying very hard, she could see that, but the darkness was slowly overtaking him again, and it saddened her beyond what words could explain. Rey linked their fingers together, trying to distract him, and it worked for a while.

‘What’s on your mind?’ she asked.

‘There’s so much I want to show you, secret compartments here on the Falcon, tricks in the cockpit…’

She smiled at that, exited that he wanted to share with her what had been, probably, secretes he had with Han and Chewie.

‘Are you sure you’re not upset, because I listened…?’ she asked thinking again of the conversation she heard, but Ben just kissed her hand.

‘I’m not. It’s okay, I would have told you about it anyway. I am… I’m really trying, I really want to be… I don’t know, good, or okay, not this person who constantly fucks up everything, someone you and my mother could be proud of, not ashamed of. And I really am trying but… I always seem to fall back. I want to go, and talk to people and be with them even a fraction of how Dameron does it, but somehow I _can’t_ , I end up alone in a room after saying the wrong things and I don’t even know what happened… and I just want to be better, not to burden you so much with everything that’s wrong with me because…’

‘Why? I want to help you Ben, and I am so proud of you trying to be better. Just trying makes you a better person’

‘But what if I can’t do it fast enough? What if you… hate me again for that? What if I become a burden?’

‘I don’t think I will ever hate you again, not like before, although arguably I never _really_ hated you’ Rey said standing up, cupping his face and forcing him to look at her, kissing the corner of his mouth while Ben closed his eyes and sighted ‘and you’ll never be a burden’

Many of the fears Ben had could be traced back to Snoke, even Luke, Han, but this was Leia’s fault. A son constantly left alone could think of himself as nothing but a burden, just like she thought about herself after being abandoned.

They were so similar in so many ways.

Rey kissed him slowly, trying to convey all of her feelings, and then they just stayed in silence, their foreheads pressed together, their heartbeats loud in the small cabin. Only when Ben’s comm beeped, signalling that it was almost time to jump out of hyperspace, she let him go.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Maybe one day you’ll let me take care of you without you crying’  
> ‘I could say the same’

Yavin was a jungle, very different from the forest of Takodana.

For a start, it was not only warm, but also _humid,_ and Rey hated it almost immediately. She could withstand a hot climate, but Jakku was dry, not humid… and she hated the way her clothes immediately began to stick to her skin, the way she was sweating outside of the base only to shiver once she was inside the temples.

It was beautiful, but she hated it, and, apparently she made that clear for everyone.

‘Are you pouting?’ Finn asked, teasing her.

‘No’ she replied, crossing her arms and making both him and Rose laugh.

The only redeeming quality of the old Rebellion base was the fact that there was a lot of stuff left in it, and it was big enough to contain their ever-growing fleet.

‘After the first Death Star exploded’ Leia explained to everyone once they were inside the base for the first time ‘the Empire knew we would leave the planet. They came to look if we left something behind, but they knew we wouldn’t, and somehow Yavin IV was spared from destruction. Good for us.’

Another redeeming quality Rey discovered while everyone settled into the base, was their new quarters. Yavin had been a base for the Rebellion for a very long time after Dantooine, Ben told her before they landed, which meant that there had been enough time to reconvert the old temples into a complete base. They weren’t kept in use after the war, since those who settle on the planet (like Poe’s family, as Rey discovered from the sadness that clouded his eyes when he set foot on world for the first time after years) did so on the other side of the hemisphere, where the vegetation was less thick.

This simply meant a lot of dust and overgrown plants in the most impossible places, and that Ben and Rey were assigned ‘couples’ quarters’, which were at least three times the size of the room they had shared before, with a double bed and a bigger bathroom. And it was really _theirs_.

On the list that was hung in the hangar, on the left column, next the number 2165, there was written ‘Ben and Rey’.

‘Uh, this is bigger’ Ben said behind her once they reached the room.

Rey just nodded and walked in, looking around while Ben left their bags near the double wardrobe, and the Jedi texts on the desk. There was also a little table with two chairs in the centre of the room, what looked like a trunk in front of the bed, and a small sofa on one side.

Everything was mismatched, a clear reminder that even in the days of the now glorified Rebellion, the rebels had to do with what they could find as much as they had to now. However, it took little for the small room to become more cozy, for whilst Rey was still looking around, Ben began to unpack.

When he was not held back by sadness, he was nothing but neat and methodical. He made the bed to perfection, put their few clothes in the wardrobe and what little else they had on the desk, while their spare boots went into the trunk. Then he kissed her forehead and left.

Rey was still too overwhelmed to do anything. She never had… so much. The inside of her AT-AT were never cozy, they were minimal, with what little she needed, enough to protect her from sandstorms as much as from intruders. Her attempts at coziness always failed. She never though she could be somewhere that was cozy and share it with someone else. But Ben was back before she could miss him, and he placed two mugs on the small table, a basket of fruit and kettle to make tea.

‘I went to get something before everyone rushes to the mass to do the same’ he said still moving around.

He also brought back a dark green quilt, it wasn’t very thick, and he placed it carefully on the bed, over the discoloured grey sheets.

When he turned around, he finally seemed to realised how she had been stuck in the middle of the room, overwhelmed and on the verge of tears.

‘Hey’ Ben said immediately reaching for her, and the moment she pressed her face to his chest, she began to cry while he held her tight.

‘I never had a place to call my own that was so nice’ she managed to say while sobbing ‘and you care so much, bringing things to make it even better…’

‘It’s okay, you deserve this and much more, Rey’ he repeated while holding her.

His words only made her cry harder, and she held on to him tightly, suddenly afraid that this was all a dream, that he really died on Naboo and that her sanity had died with him, leaving only this beautiful dream to cover the pain.

‘This is real, I am here, I am here’

It took twenty minutes of Ben repeating that for Rey to finally stop crying, although only briefly. When she and Ben shared the shower again, she cried again.

‘Maybe one day you’ll let me take care of you without you crying’ he said after helping her drying her hair, and the last of her tears, taking a little laugh out of her.

‘I could say the same’

‘Seems fair’ he said with a chuckle.

There was something warm blooming inside her, a feeling that she couldn't quite recognise. It felt somewhat like the anticipation that overtook her the first time she managed to climb over a stardestroyer on Jakku, those long minutes before she could push herself up one last time and gaze at desert from the top, seeing as far as Niima. She understood little of it, but in bed she held on to Ben, her head on his broad chest, sighting when she felt his heartbeat under her cheek, his arms wrapped around her in a warm embrace she would never get tired of. There was no need for it now, for them to be so close since the bed was big enough for both of them, but she _wanted_ to be close.

'You're my pillow now’

'Alright’ Ben answered softly, one of his hands in her hair and the other warm on her back.

It took very little for Rey to fall asleep.

When she woke up, she was alone, and she sat up in bed confused. She knew it was stupid, she was a grown woman and she could perfectly function on her own, but… she loved the domesticity, the intimacy of her time with Ben, and waking up with him was one of her favourite things. Rey treasured those few moments they had together before they had to face the world again and start the day.

Before she could think anything else, the door hissed open, and Ben entered their quarters with a tray full of food. She tough he would put it down on the small table, but as he saw her awake he simply came over to the bed, carefully moving the sheets so as not to spill anything.

‘You’re unhappy’ he stated, confused at her emotions.

‘You weren’t here’ she admitted blushing hard, wrapping the green quilt better around her, looking at the food.

‘I thought we could have breakfast together’ he said, and Rey raised her eyes, this time with a genuine smile on her face.

‘I like that… but first’ she pushed herself forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him sweetly ‘good morning’

‘Good morning’ Ben answered breathless, a smile on his lips that she kissed again.

While they comfortably ate breakfast in bed, Ben told her more about Yavin, and what to expect of the base in Massasi temples.

‘They’re labyrinths of tunnels. At first the upper levels will be very confusing, but you’ll see soon that it’s rather easy to move around’

‘You’ve been here before?’ she asked, and Ben nodded, taking a sip of his caf.

‘A couple of times as a kid. Leia had to check stuff for the Republic and the new outposts on the other side of the planet. Weirdly enough, while she met with Damerons every single time, I was always left at the temples…’

‘So you never met Poe’ she concluded.

‘Yes. I know Luke gave them a force-sensitive three after Endor, when they settled here. Dameron said it should still be around. We should go check it out, maybe… I mean, the first years I was with Luke I had to go relic-hunting with him, Jedi artefacts and all, and then Snoke had me look for Sith artefacts but maybe… we could, uh, look at it. Since you’ve never seen anything like that…’ he said looking at his hands.

‘I would like that’ she answered sincerely, and the small smile stayed on Ben’s lips.

 

* * *

 

After less than two weeks, Rey determined that her first impression of Yavin IV was correct. It was too humid, and she didn’t like it, even despite all the green. Most importantly, the humidity was giving problems to Ben, even if he tried to hide it; the constant change between the chill of the temples and the humidity outside was hurting his back, the places where his skin still had to heal properly. And this was without mentioning the memories.

While after a couple of days of sadness, both Leia and Poe found coming back to Yavin comforting, Ben became restless. He barely slept, and even if he remained in bed trying to be still so as not to wake her, Rey _knew_.

So when one morning she woke up to find Ben deeply asleep (probably because he fell asleep a couple of hours before), Rey quietly got dressed and left him to it.

A couple of hours later, she was talking to Finn in the hangar when it happened: the force moved around her, and she felt the dark side stronger that she had ever felt it, it itched on her skin uncomfortably while she felt a fear so deep, a sense of betrayal that cut right through her, as if nothing , nowhere, was safe anymore, as if _no one_ could be trusted…

‘Rey? Are you listening?’ Finn asked.

The air around her stilled, and Rey wasn’t herself. She was in bed and when she turned, half confused by sleep, she was almost blinded by the green light of a lightsaber. Luke Skywalker’s eyes were one of the most terrifying things she had ever seen, eyes that should have been kind, and safe, but that were there to hurt her… _why would his uncle hurt him? He was supposed to help him, protect him… was he so far gone that the man who forgave Darth Vader was about to kill him for it?_

The hut collapsed, and Rey was left out of Ben’s memories, his nightmare… she was running to him before she realised it.

The door didn’t open fast enough in her opinion, but when it did, she stopped when she entered their quarters. Ben was sobbing, but Leia was already there, holding him, whispering reassurances to him, telling him how much she loved him, how she didn’t know…

Ben’s fear and distressed had been so intense that even Leia must have felt it in the force, reaching him before she could. Knowing he would be okay, she left quietly, finding Finn just outside, slightly worried.

‘What was that about?’

‘Memories’ she answered with a sight.

‘What about?’

‘Did I ever tell you how Ben turned to Snoke?’

‘I know about the Academy, and what you said about Snoke being in his head’ Finn said, brow slightly furrowed while he tried to remember.

‘He was actually doing fine, he was resisting it, that is… until one night he woke up to Luke trying to kill him’ she said looking back at the now closed door. She could feel Ben beginning to calm down in the force.

_’What?’_ Finn asked shocked ‘Luke Skywalker? But he’s… he was his uncle!’

‘They call it the light side and the dark side, but it has never been that simple’ Rey answered.

‘I’m actually beginning to feel some real simply for the guy’ Finn muttered while they walked back to the hangar.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He needed to feel her presence, so that she could ground him to reality, away from the nightmares that his mind conjured up.

The nightmares never stopped.

Rey didn’t know what it was about Yavin that triggered Ben so much, but the memory of Luke had been just the beginning. Ben had nightmares almost every night, and while she couldn’t see them the way she had seen the memory of Luke, she knew those were about Snoke by the way Ben trembled and retreated into himself, fearing to hear again that voice whisper in his mind like it had since before he was born.

It made her _furious_ to think of what Snoke had done to him, it made her even more determined to find Hux and make him pay. But while she dreamed of killing Snoke slowly and painfully, when Ben woke up shaking in the middle of the night, his eyes wide with fear, she just held him tight, reminding him that he had killed Snoke, that he was strong and he killed him in the end, and now he was safe with her, where he belonged.

During the day, when he wasn’t helping Leia organising the fleet and sort through intelligence reports, Ben climbed the outside of the temples until he reached the top. Rey could see him while she worked with Rose on the x-wing and other ships parked outside, and she tried to keep an eye on him. She worried and she couldn’t help it: his skin was pale, and still sensitive on his back where the worst of the burns where, and even though he wore long pants and long-sleeved shirts with a high neck, she was afraid he could get sunburns. Most importantly, the nightmares had undermined all the work they had done until then… he was getting better, opening up to her, to Leia, and now he was retreating into himself again, the darkness in his mind something Rey feared more than the dark side. She was so, so afraid he would hurt himself.

Which was why, after a couple of days, Rey went to Leia.

‘We need to leave’

‘Are we in danger?’ Leia asked surprised.

‘What? Oh, no, not Yavin, I mean… me and Ben. The nightmares are not stopping, and he needs rest. I don’t know what’s about the planet that has him so shaken but…’

‘Yes, I was about to suggest that’ Leia admitted, her lips pressed tightly together ‘He thinks he hides it well, but I am his mother. I suppose you were thinking some planet…? The First Order is not bothering us too much at the moment, so…’

‘Actually’ Rey said interrupting her ‘he mentioned a force-sensitive three that Luke gave the Dameron’s after Endor. We’ll just be on the other side of the planet for a while’

‘Oh’ Leia said, simply, and Rey discovered that she had left the general speechless.

‘Is something wrong with it?’

‘No, no’ Leia answered shaking her head, surprise, grief, and sadness rolling off her in waves in the force. ’It was… when Luke found the three, after Endor, when he still thought I might wanted to train in the force with him, he had me touch it, reach to it through the force. When I did… it was the moment I realised I was pregnant, the first time I felt Ben. The force already so strong in him… and Han was speechless for the first time in his life. I never thought Luke told him about it’

‘Well, maybe… maybe that will do him good. Both of us, really’

‘I’m sure it will’ the general said with a small smile.

 

* * *

 

They didn’t take the Falcon. It was a shot trip so they opted for a small ship. Ben had agreed to come easily, although agree was a strong word. He was becoming… numb, his darkness almost reaching the point in which even the smaller tasks felt monumental.

While his darkness wasn’t spiking hers directly, the ever-growing numbers of the Resistance were making her uneasy. More than once she set out to do a task only to find someone she had never seen before already at work. Finn, Rose, and Poe were thriving in it, they easily fit into their new roles of leadership but Rey… she was different. For a start, she had never been surrounded by so many people. Niima was populated, but never as crowded as the mess hall was during the midday rush, something that made her grateful for the larger quarters they had been assigned. She knew a lot about flying, but she wasn’t comfortable with the pilots, not like Poe; she knew about repairs, but she couldn’t lead teams like Rose, mostly because she didn’t wanted to do it all day; and certainly she wasn’t cut to lead the ground troops like Finn. Rey liked the command room, but only to a certain extent. Like Ben, she liked some freedom in her day.

It wasn’t that she was being difficult, the fact was that if she didn’t meditate, if she didn’t practice her forms or connect to the force (which was difficult to do if she was tired by repairing broken ships all day) she felt out of tune with it, and it was a feeling she wanted to avoid. Some time away from it all would have done both of them some good.

Ben flew the ship perfectly, and he landed without any troubles in the overgrown back garden of an old two story house made of light blue stone. It would have been nice if it wasn’t that his eyes were distant, his spirit low.

The old house that had belonged to the Dameron’s wasn’t habitable. After years of abandonment nature had took over it, and the roof had collapsed. It was almost night, and they were in no rush to see a three, even if it was a force-sensitive one. So Rey pushed Ben towards the small living quarter of the ship.

She helped him out of his clothes slowly, letting her touch linger as much as possible. Before leaving the base, she had talked with Doctor Kaloania about Ben, and the woman had suggested that touch would help to make him better. He needed to feel her presence, so that she could ground him to reality, away from the nightmares that his mind conjured up.

Her movements were slow, but she smiled when she felt Ben respond to it, when slowly she saw him coming back to her. He began to cry and Rey just held him tighter, the small cot large enough for them both.

‘It’s okay, it’s okay’ she murmured drawing patterns with her fingers on his scalp that made him shiver.

‘I’m sorry’ he repeated, and Rey shushed him.

‘It’s okay. You’ll be okay, we’ll be okay’

‘I should have been there for you’ he said, finally feeling the uneasiness she had felt with the Resistance leave her body.

‘I could say the same, I knew you weren’t sleeping and I said nothing’

Ben moved, covering her body with his, peppering light kisses on her cheeks, on her throat, a silent plea for forgiveness, and Rey felt as if she could finally breath again. She never felt as safe as she did when Ben held her close. Although he had nothing to ask forgiveness for.

‘I don’t know what happened’ he admitted propping himself up on his elbow, so not to put his weight on her, moving a hand through his hair. He looked absolutely exhausted.

‘It’s okay, it happens, we’ll be better soon’ Rey whispered back, tracing his cheeks with her fingers, the contour of his lips. His eyes, dark, yet warm and deep, fixed on her with so much tenderness.

_Force, she loved him so much…_

And that was it.

Like the last push to reach the summit of a Stardestroyers on Jakku, and now she could see as far as the desert allowed. Finally, Rey understood, breathless, the feelings that Ben had awakened inside of her, and it was as beautiful as it was liberating, to discover that she loved, that she could, that her childhood hadn’t been able to damage her capacity to love… and be loved. Because Ben moved closer, his hand cupping her cheek and her same wonder reflected in his soul, his love for her clear like a crystal.

She could barely define it, what _love_ meant, but for Rey it meant Ben, it was reserved for him alone, a love different from friendship, from anything she had even known and dreamt.

Maybe there should have been words between them, but looking at each other, their bodies barely apart, their minds and souls crashing gently against each other, into each other… it seemed enough. The force hummed pleasantly around them. In the whole universe, a symphony could be felt, of peace and harmony that derived form balance, from light _and_ dark, and _them_.

It was only after minutes, or hours, that they seemed to come back to reality, to the cot in the small ship.

‘My love’ Rey whispered, trying the words that were so foreign on her lips.

Ben seemed to almost melt in her arms, invisible weights lifted from his shoulders after decades, a smile on his lips, and his heart, as always, wide open just for her.

_She loved him, he loved her._

‘My heart’ Ben said, and it was her turn to melt, to crumble and be whole again.

_She love him, he loved her._

Ben’s smile widened, so did hers, and Rey giggled when he nuzzled his nose into her neck, her arms around him, keeping him close.

_She love him, he loved her._

 

* * *

 

Rey remembered falling asleep holding Ben to her a chest, a smile on their lips, the force finally satisfied, balanced, allowing them to rest. She didn’t understand why they were in space now, on the Falcon… why they were standing still, the engines merely keeping them from drifting too far, into some asteroid belt, or the gravity field of a planet, little effort…

_Where was Ben?_

It was the only question Rey kept asking. And she could feel desperation, resignation… all the feelings she had felt before, traveling through space and time to her from Naboo, before fire, and fear, grief, and loneliness. She felt fingers that weren’t hers pressing a button, and then cold so bitter her skin begun to shine like crystals, ice crushing her lungs.

She could see the starts, lightyears away, from the viewport of the Falcon, although she had been in the corridor, and then… was she outside? Outside the Falcon?

No, her fingers were cold on the glass. But outside… outside was Ben, drifting through space, ice on his pale skin, in his hair, and his eyes… frozen.

No mater how much she punched the glass, how loud she called for him, he was gone, drifting through space, away from her, _gone_ … how had she not seen it? Why had she left him alone? She should have been with him! To remind him of how much she loved him, of the place he would always have by her side! Did he just walk out to his death?

No, no… how could she live without him? They were supposed to be happy, finally, never alone again, and now…

Rey woke up screaming , arms wrapped around her keeping her down. It took some minutes, but Ben’s voice finally cut through the fog of her sleepy and scared brain, calming her.

‘It’s okay, I am here, I am here, it was a nightmare, just a dream!’ Ben repeated holding her close. She kept struggling for a while, but after a minute she turned in his embrace, holding him close to her while she sobbed in his chest.

‘Please, don’t leave me, even if it gets too hard, please, even if it gets too painful, please, please, don’t leave alone, please, please… I can’t Ben, without you… please’ she sobbed.

‘Hey’ Ben said gently, putting some distance between them, forcing her to look at him in the eyes ‘I would never… I would never want to hurt you’

‘Promise you’ll never leave’

‘I promise I will always come back’ he said.

‘But you wanted to hurt yourself… ‘ she mumbled, her lips trembling only speaking of it.

‘Not anymore, I promise. It’s… hard, sometimes, but even back in Yavin… it’s not like before, like before Naboo. You have to trust me on that’

‘Okay, but… you promised?’ she asked, new tears falling on her cheeks while she felt a bit stupid, like a spoiled child, but she _needed_ it.

Ben just smiled, understanding, kind, his fingers drying the tears from her cheeks.

‘I promise’

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Don’t worry about what the force wants or doesn’t want, you belong next to me, is that enough?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... I am back. Sorry for the long break. It wasn't supposed to be that long, but after finishing my Christmas Reylo fic, writer's block hit me and I wasn't capable of writing anything. Anyway, here's the new chapter. We're gonna move into some plot now, because we have to.   
> Enjoy!

The tree was exactly where Luke said it would be.

It was nothing special, Rey didn’t understand all the fuss about it. It certainly was a tree with a connection to the force, but nothing more. Still shaken by her nightmare they walked out of the ship hand in hand, and Rey was reluctant of letting Ben go, even if just for a moment. There was still so much going on, so much had to happen, but all she could think of was the _end_. Would the force allow them to survive the war? Grow old together? And when they did, what would happen? Would the force also allow them to disappear like Luke did, but together?

It scared her, the finality of things, of death, in a way it never had before. It was one thing being abandoned, but being alone because those she loved where dead…

‘Rey’

Ben’s voice was soft, his hand squeezed hers a bit more, just to get her attention. The look in his eyes told her that he got a glimpse of what she was feeling inside, the bond strengthening alongside their feelings for each other every day.

‘Just touch the tree, trust me’ he said.

The moment she did, all her fears disappeared. She felt the force in all its might, all those who had been part of it, who still were, it was flowing through everything, just like she had felt once before, on Aach-to. She wondered how she could have forgotten about it, about the totality of it, its extensive reach, to very edge of the universe, into every fibre of her body, her spirit.

‘I never understood this’ Ben said moving next to her, touching the tree as well, the force that flowed through it clearly pleased by him ‘there is something… it was much more prominent before we met, the force was trying to say something, to _prove_ something, but I couldn’t understand, I still can’t, in part’

‘The force? Proving something?’ Rey asked confused, she didn’t understand how he could talk about the force like that, as if it had a will of its own that could be interpreted.

‘I know that it pains you that your parents left you, and my pain with my family is not comparable. But… Anakin was _made_ by the force, there was no father, only Shmi Skywalker, a slave on Tatooine. It means that my mother, Luke, were born for a reason, that _I_ was born for a reason, for a purpose, but I can’t understand… and the force is… content now, I feel like I’ll never know’

Rey tried to follow his words, he was very serious, but a part of her still couldn’t see the force the way Ben did. She lacked the training, the faith, in part. After all, she was still learning while he had years over years on her. So she didn’t know what to say to that. The force was the order of things, she could feel it when she meditated, even when she touched the tree, but it was also confusing. She had the force, a random act without meaning, _but_ Ben had the force for a reason, a deliberate act still without meaning. What all seemed to led to was them, _together_ , their bond. Another deliberate act without apparent meaning. She refused to think that the force had orchestrated their love, though, for the bond might have forced them together but they _chose_ to understand each other, and from that understanding came their love, which made both of them stronger than ever.

Rey knew next to nothing about Jedi lore and history, but somehow she was certain when she stated in her mind that there had never been force-wielders as powerful as they were. That was all she could gather from the tree.

‘Let’s go back to the ship’ she said taking his hand again.

Ben looked briefly puzzled, but he followed her willingly, happily.

‘Don’t worry about what the force wants or doesn’t want, you belong next to me, is that enough?’ she said when they reached the ship. She felt bold, the certainty of their love did that to her.

‘It is’ Ben said, shivering even in the oppressing mid warmth of Yavin.

He must have felt bold as well because he picked her up, bridal carrying her over the ramp and through the ship until they reached the small crew’s quarters, where he let her down gently on the small cot. She reached for the collar of his shirt and pushed him down towards her, until she could kiss him how she liked best, deeply and slowly. Ben fell over her with grace, carefully not to put his weight on her, his hands on her hips lighting a fire in belly that she was tired to ignore.

She started to undo the buttons of shirt and Ben did the same with hers. He knew what she wanted to do, he wanted it as well, and that knowledge only made Rey bolder, the fire in her rising. She reached for the button of his trousers and he stilled, his breath heavy, eyes big and dark pointed on her face.

Rey smiled while she let her finger brush his abdomen, lower and lower until the smile that Ben had created in answer to hers faltered, his eyes closing, and a moan escaped his lips.

It was fast after that, Ben became bolder as well and she loved it, there was no awkwardness even if she had to guide him because of his inexperience. It felt incredible anyway, a pleasure of a kind Rey had never known before, shared with someone - because of someone - she loved so deeply. And all around them the force, singing in a balance that gave them strength and peace.

She came in a wave of hot white pleasure, Ben right behind her, and for a moment Rey felt as if she was a clear thread in the tapestry that the force had created. She understood the words Ben said before near the tree, about the force having a will of its own that they were left to interpret. But it was a moment, then it was pleasure again through her body, the weight of Ben over her, their heavy breaths, body covered in a light film of sweat.

She couldn’t stop telling him how much she loved him while he held her tight to him, the smile on Ben’s face something she adored, and she thought of the future. A nice planet, the two of them, a life of their own.

She wanted to wake up next to him and not worry about a war, or food, or anything that wasn’t boring and trivial. She wanted a life shared with him and she was about to reveal this to him (even though she knew it would make him cry, because he needed to know that he was loved, and wanted, and he was so more than enough for her) when they were rudely interrupted.

‘The force _has_ a will of its own’

Ben looked into her eyes. She looked back into his.

They were still very much naked, on top of each other, and neither of them had spoken those words.

When they turned around, a man with long hair and clothed in Jedi robes was standing in front of the cot they were on, pale blue, as if he were a hologram, but he _wasn’t._

They both screamed.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Can we have ONE moment to ourselves?!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've hit sort of a block for this story, I have to figure out where the plot is going, so I'm sorry if it takes long between updates. Also, I will respond to the previous chapter comments as soon as I can, but I just wanted to post this small update to show that the story is not dead.

Ben’s first reaction was to cover them both with the thin blanket that they had pushed towards the end of the cot, and Rey appreciated that, she really did. Her first reaction had been to reach for her lightsaber, because even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself yet, she was fiercely protective of Ben. She would have killed the men without much hesitation if it wasn’t that a part of her knew, without really acknowledging that knowledge, that said man was not, in fact, alive.

‘Can we have ONE moment to ourselves?!’ Rey exclaimed in frustration while Ben helped her dress.

The… _thing_ turned around.

‘I’ll give you children a second’

Ben was so preoccupied with her that she had to remind him to put on his own clothes, which he did while stealing glances at the pale blue man that was still turning his back to them on the other side of the room.

‘Are you decent?’ the man asked, and Rey most growled in irritation.

This was _not_ what she had planned for her and Ben after they had finally, _finally_ , had sex. Definitely not.

‘Ehm, yes’ Ben answered sitting on the cot next to her, his eyes fixed on the pale blue figure, both curious and scared. She wondered for a moment for how long he waited for this, for Anakin to show himself to him… but he never did.

Rey took his hand in hers when the ghost turned.

‘My name is Qui-Gon Jinn’ the pale blue man said. He looked at them as if expecting recognition, but neither of them had ever heard that name. The ghost might have sighted, Rey wasn’t sure, but then he just continued ‘I was Obi-Wan Kenobi’s teacher, or, as you may know him as: Ben Kenobi. The man you were name after, Ben Solo. It was I who first found Anakin Skywalker on Tatooine, who presented him to the Jedi council. I insisted for him to be trained as a Jedi, but I died before I could do that, and Obi-Wan took over’

Ben went still beside her, she could feel confusion and fear in him, so she clasped his hand harder.

‘Why are you here?’ she asked, harder than she meant. The ghost didn’t seem bothered by that.

‘To rectify my mistakes. I should have been clearer with the Jedi council, with Obi-Wan, of what I perceived in young Anakin when I found him, why I wanted to train him, why I _needed_ to train him… but I didn’t have time, Palpatine was already moving the pieces that led to the fall of the Republic, and I was among the first to fall to his apprentice, Darth Maul’

‘This is about the will of the force?’ Ben managed to ask, he was growing anxious bedside her, his voice trembling slightly.

‘Yes, and I know you understand my words Ben, I know you can feel it too’

‘Just speak plainly’ Rey asked, trying to placate Ben’s anxiety through the bond, still not trusting the ghost in front of them. One wrong word and he could destroy the fragile balance that she and Ben just found.

‘You are just beginning to feel it, young Rey’ the ghost said moving his gaze to her, but Rey didn’t respond and the ghost continued with his story.

‘It was the beginning of the fall of the Republic, the day I met Anakin on Tatooine, but unlike what others have said, it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t because of him that the Republic fell. He _was_ the chosen one, he could have stopped it all, but the Jedi misunderstood the force, they had for a very long time, and in their stubbornness over their ways, it was them that, by failing Anakin, they failed the galaxy even though the force tried to aid them’

‘I don’t understand… Anakin… like me, failed to dark side, how could… ‘ Ben said shaking his head, his voice hoarse, he was having difficulty breathing, and Rey didn’t know what to do. She wished the ghost would just go away, leave them alone to the few moments of happiness they could snatch away from the war.

‘Similarly to you, not _like_ you.’ Qui-Gon said ’You, both of you, are much more powerful than he ever was, than Luke ever was. The force has a will of its own, but the Jedi were unable to recognise it, to listen to it. They were so wrapped up in their ideas of purity that they failed to see the real scope of the force, its essence. I may have come at the wrong time, but I am here to say this: I _knew_ Anakin was temped by the dark, I knew he would fall for it, but unlike the Jedi, I didn’t want to train him to bring him to the light. I wanted him to fall to the dark, for the Jedi to see the dark for what it really is’ he said, and both her and Ben shivered, confused and partly scared.

‘The force’s chosen one was claimed half by the light, and half by the dark, and it wasn’t a mistake. The mistake was of the Jedi, who sought to eliminate the dark, but there needs to be balance. Too many Jedi in the Republic created an imbalance in the force. The force isn’t the light, it is the dark _and_ the light, they need each other, they balance the universe. You have stumbled together over something that will save the galaxy, balance of light and dark, and the force will support you, will be on your side. But be careful, do not let yourselves be blinded by the light, and do not get lost in the dark’

It was a lot to take in, Rey had felt it several times since Ben came back, the balance Qui-Gon talked of, but she had never been able to place it as he had. There were clearly thousand of questions swimming in Ben’s head, but just before he could ask them, the ghost began to vanish.

‘I will see you again, I am certain of it, farewell’ Qui-Gon said before disappearing as silently as he had appeared.

‘He could have said that… near the tree, of all the times he had to appear to us…’ Rey said standing up irritated, pacing the length of the small room, standing where the ghost stood. There was, of course, no trace he had ever been there.

Ben was still deep in thought, sitting on the cot, his knuckles white while he crumpled the sheets in his hands.

‘I don’t understand…. is it a joke for them? All that Snoke did to me, his voice in my head?… am I just a pawn like Anakin was for Palpatine…? To be shaken by the dark? Do I deserve it?’

‘Hey, none of that, listen to me’ Rey said crossing the room immediately. In less than a moment she was straddling him. She cupped his face gently, forcing him to look at her, while his hands moved to her waist, holding on to her. ‘Don’t let them ruin this for us, this was our moment, ours… let’s forget them. We’ll think about it again once we’re back on base, if it matters, although I’m not sure it does. We’ve known balance, and we didn’t need an old ghost to give us a lecture about it, okay?’

‘Yeah’ Ben agreed, a small smile curving his lips. ‘You are incredible. I do not deserve you’

‘You do’ she answered shaking a bit, as it always happened when he opened up his heart to her. ‘And you didn’t deserve what Snoke did to you, just like I didn’t… I didn’t deserve my parents, Plutt. If the force did that to us, then… fuck the force’ she added trying to push back the tears, trembling.

Never in her life she had ever dared to think that her parents were in the wrong, she always hoped, waited, but now… now she had Ben, and her friends, and…

‘Let’s forget, then’ Ben said leaving a kiss on her throat, then on her jaw, holding her together exactly before she could shatter with so much love and affection she could barely make sense of it.

‘Yes, just me and you… two more days’ she murmured while Ben kept kissing her.

‘Then let’s make the most of it’

They forgot about the ghost in a matter of minutes.


End file.
